This is just a test

RIAA

Finally!

It's about time!  One of my long-time problems with macs has been that they do not come with an alarm clock program, and every alarm clock on the internet costs money.  Not anymore.

This program offers a lot of control, and even wakes your computer up from being asleep.  It also is a menu-bar program, so it is completely not disruptive.  Pretty cool, pretty great.  Mac users, download this if you do not have an alarm clock (like me)

Best procession of cars

The Schaufelradbagger
The Killdozer
Optimus Prime
The A-Team van
Time travel Delorian
Popemobile
Batmobile
The Magic School Bus
Oscar Meyer Weinermobile
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

What am I missing?

Nine Inch Nails

is pretty good music. I am listening to the album Year Zero, and I'm surprising myself by liking it so much. It's really dissonant, which I like. I also found a bunch of stuff by Desert Planet, who makes video-game-esque music, and it is incredible.

If you never gave them (him?) a listen, try it out. Maybe you'll like it.

Third post

I forgot to add a person on my list.  Myself.  I like myself a lot.  And you know what, if I had to choose between having every person hate me but me liking me, and every person loving me but me hating me, that choice would easily be the former.

No question.  I'm pretty cool, and I know that.  I don't think many other people know that, and I feel bad about that I guess, but hey, at least I have me.

Night

Tonight

You probably missed the post I just made, scroll down and read it first.

Anyway, I don't know what to do with my dislike of alchohol.  I just sighed, just now, in real life.  I just did it two more times because it felt really good.  Anyway, I don't like being around drunk people (I say drunk for lack of a better word to say "people who have had any alchohol", I hate the word tipsy).  When someone drinks, they go from interesting to boring before my eyes.  I suddenly don't want to be around them, because I simply don't have time for such a person.  I could be wasting time on the internet, which is way more fun.

But that isn't why I hate it.  That's just a side reason.  The person I really hate is myself.  I try to ignore it, and I get half-drunk myself, except worse, because I am also sober.  I hate every thing that I do, and I hate every stupid word that my mouth says.  I try to fit in, and I try to have fun.  Where's the harm in that?  I don't know, but there is harm there, somehow.

There's harm because I'm not being myself.  I said a couple posts ago that I pride myself in not conforming to anything.  A far better way to say that is that I pride myself in being myself exactly.  No secrets, no acting, just me.  I go to a job interview and I do a bad job, because I don't give correct answers; I give my answers.

If there is anything that I really hate, it is when I stop being myself, and when people start drinking, I get as drunk as they, laughing and talking.  And I feel disgusting.  I loath every inch of my disgusting body and every noisy breath that esacpes it.

I always leave parties early because I cannot stand myself.  I always leave, depressed and very, very alone.

Just now, I left a party, and now I am depressed, and of course very, very alone.  I want to hang out with Molly, to be honest, because I like her and I know she is herself, but she's having fun with everyone, and a good friend wouldn't try to take her from that.  I'd call Jesse, but I don't think he'd really care.  Maybe we'd have a satisfyingly angry discussion about alchohol, but what good would that do.

Really, I want to hang out with Simon.  The one man that I can hug naturally.  But you know, he's at MSU.

Every time I hear footsteps go by my door, I hope it's someone, anyone to hang with me.  But no one ever really visits me.  People like the food I give them, and I have a nice sound system and comfy futon for watching movies.

Secret after secret, here's another inside look at me.  I don't think anybody really likes me.  Now that isn't true.  There are a few people that I honestly think do genuinely like me.  To list them, Gynelle, Nora, Simon, my parents, and maybe, maybe Jesse.

In case you aren't on that list and think you should be on it, no, that is a complete list.  I actually think that every person not on that list thinks I'm annoying, and puts up with me because I'm not that bad.  Am I wrong?  Probably.  I hope I'm wrong.  But logic can never truly change the way you feel, you know?

I just feel so god damned alone right now.  Most people think I'm doing well, because I say I'm doing well.  Why do I say I'm doing well when I'm not?  To answer your [my] question with another question, would you tell someone you knew didn't care about you that you were depressed?  Fuck no you wouldn't.  No matter what they said, you would know that really, they didn't care.

See, that is how I feel.  Ugh, I feel so emo or whatever.  I mean really, I'm not all that bad or anything and nothing bad is happening to me.  I just feel like a balloon that is way too full of air or helium or whatever, ready to burst.  Moreover, I feel like that balloon has just been bouncing off of pin after pin, somehow never popping.

Does it ever end?  Do I ever get actually happy?  Heh, I guess not.  That's for the perfects.  I just need to learn to be content with how I feel.  I need to sit down and do some god damned suffering.  That would do me some good.  I just sighed two more times.

I'm rereading this post now.  It is amazing what I can learn about myself just from typing and not stopping.  Do I feel better?  No, of course not, not at all.  I am still lonely, and I still think that most of my close friends only put up with me because they don't hate me.

Worst of all, I know that no one is going to knock on my door tonight, but I am going to lay awake waiting for it to happen anyway.

My life is awesome.  Someday, I will truly appreciate how awesome it is, but for now, I will continue to settle for simply knowing that it is awesome.

By the way, if you read this super-long post, and want me to believe that you like me, all you have to do is talk with me.  Have a serious conversation.  Tell me your problems and insecurities.  Tell me what you like, and what you think is pretty cool.  Share yourself with me.  If you didn't like me, you wouldn't do that, and I know it.

Tonight, I think will be the first night in a long time that I cry myself to sleep.  Getting rid of toxins is pretty cool though, so if you feel bad for me, don't.  Dollars to donuts your problems are worse then mine, especially since I'll be getting rid of toxins in a few short minutes!

I just sighed a few more times.  Sighing feels great.  Try it

Why do I have a blog?

I have a blog to give myself a way to talk to myself.  When I say "dear reader," I talk to myself, as I intend this to be read by me, and only by me.  I know that other people read this (Gynelle, Molly, and Nora), but it doesn't really make a difference to me.

I guess what I am saying is that I am writing all this for me.  I don't really assume that any of you care about what is going on in my head, but if you are reading, you probably do (that or you're bored and none of your webcomics are updated yet).  But, even if I had no readers, I would write this exactly as I do, because I don't really care if anybody reads it.

If you read this, know that you are reading exactly what is going on in my head, and nothing more or less.  When I write here, I understand myself better, and learn about who I am.  It is exciting for me.

I hope any readers other than yours truly enjoy this blog, or at least, I hope you end up glad you read it.  As an old answering machine message of mine once said, "it may give you an insight into the mind of a madman."

If you are reading this, you are my friend.  And I love you for caring about me enough to take this time.  I hope that some day you will tell me about your life and your thoughts (I won't read your blog, I don't have time).  I'd ask you, but I'm shy.  Don't you be afraid to ask me either.  Anything is better than a god-damned blog.

Thank you for reading this.  If you are reading right as I post it, be sure to wait a little while, I'm about to write another.  I guess this post is an intermission for me to say thank you.  As I said, I love you, you wonderful person.  Good night.

Pretty cool

Matt Steele just told me that I am someone who doesn't conform to anything at all.  That is pretty much what I go for, so that is pretty much the best compliment I have gotten in a long ass-time.

I feel really good about that.  I am glad people think of me as my own person and not a cookie-cutter anything.  It is times like these that you just feel really good.

I hope I get photoshop soon, so I can go back to comic posts.  More fun for me, more fun for you.

Love,
Matt

Sharpen your teeth, or lay flat.

Welp, here goes nothing.

Parfois j'aimerais disparaître

et actuellement ça est ce que je veux

qu'est-ce que je devrais faire?

En plus, toute mon angoisse existentielle sera en français, parce que personne qui lit ce blog ne comprend le français.

Je t'embrasse très fort,
Matt

happy new year

I hope my computer doesn't crash when it changes to 2008, like all those computers back in 2000

Christian values

So many Christian values are good. So many of them! Yet they pollute themselves with terrible ones at the same time? Why?

I went to Catholic mass today, as always when my Grandma is over on a Sunday. The reading today was Ephesians something, and here is the wisdom that it had to offer:

Wives should be subordinate to their husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is head of his wife just as Christ is head of the church, he himself the savior of the body. As the church is subordinate to Christ, so wives should be subordinate to their husbands in everything.

This makes me angry. Yes I know it is in the bible and the bible is kept intact to preserve tradition (actually, even the Torah we know today is less than 2000 years old, but most people don't know that, so never mind). So keep the bible intact! Whatever! But why do we read passages like this DURING CHURCH, when there are impressionable children all over the place? Why do we read them EVER?

My dad told me that Christians like to put a modern spin on things like this. So, "Wives should be subordinate to their husbands" actually means "Wives should obey their own inner nature." Sorry dad, and sorry to any proponents of this idea, but "Wives should be subordinate to their husbands" is plain English, and is perfectly clear in meaning. If the bible meant your translation, why doesn't it say that, and much more importantly, WHY DON'T YOU READ THAT IN CHURCH?

Because every wife, husband, and child in church today heard the "un-translated" version, without the benefit of your modern take.

Christianity has a lot of good points, and believes in a lot of good things. But it is so polluted by bad things. Why is it this way? I once heard someone argue that this is true of all religions, and that is bullshit. It is not true of Buddhism, or Jainism, to name a couple. If a religion is attempting to create a moral standard, it should be perfect. Humans cannot be perfect, but religions can, so by God let's make our religions perfect.

Ugh. Go back and reread today's reading. And people wonder why our society is still sexist. I know I attack Christianity a lot, but that doesn't make me wrong.

Once I get Photoshop back, I'll go back to comic posts.

3 More Days

Wish me luck

Meditating

So, lately I've been doing a lot of something like meditating. I've been separating myself from my viewpoint, and watching the world as it is. Here are my thoughts.

The "real world" as it were is hard to describe to someone who hasn't seen it. I'll do my best. Nobody is ever really there. For example, you are at your computer, perhaps in your house. Yet, you don't feel like you're in your house, and whether or not you're by your computer means little to you. You've probably got all kinds of crazy shit going on in your life. But really, what is it?

Assuming you're a student, you've got exams to study for and papers to write. What are those? The exams haven't even been printed yet, so what are they? Your papers are concepts in one human's (your) head. Or, if you're ahead of the game (I just lost the game, and so did you), it is taking up a few kilobytes on a hard disk inside your computer.

What does the paper have to do with anything? Imagine you have nothing to do with any of this now. You're a rock, on one of the moons off of Mars. Now what do these exams and papers mean to you? What about the life you're trying to build? Yeah, I guess the point is that it seems insignificant, like people say.

But I don't like that word. Insignificant implies that it is small compared to the universe. When I do this, it seems completely fake. There is no meaning behind the paper or the exam. How I do in college has no effect. If I succeed in uniting the planet, and saving the human race, it wouldn't carry any meaning.

With Physics, we still don't completely understand the way objects move. There are a few known forces of attraction (magnetism, gravity, etc), and the one we understand the least is gravity. But that applies mainly to rocks. Sometimes these rocks get very very hot, and they sometimes explode with such extremity that very heavy elements like gold are created, but they are only rocks.

Now, us, we are humans, and that makes us more important (namely because we are us, and we are not rocks). How do we move? Rocks move very predictably, following laws of physics. We move of our own accord, given stored-up energy that we collect and save. What is this energy? Why does it let us move, but not rocks? How come we can store it, but rocks can't? What does it mean to be conscious?

We are made up of the same neutrons, protons, and electrons as any rock in the universe, as any star out there. Yet we are conscious. How does that make us different? How is a dead body different from a living one?

When a teacher walks into a classroom, and informs the class that they are to walk into the hall, and they do, what just happened? A group of rocks were all sitting still in a room, and suddenly at the same time, they all stopped sitting and neatly filed out of the room, after some sound-waves hit them.

The answer isn't the professor, or the students. It isn't the sound-waves, or the sounds they made. It is the meaning behind the sounds the professor made. But what is that meaning? Where is it? The professor is there. The students are there. The sound is there. All that is real. The meaning is not. Yet, this nonexistent meaning was enough to drive every single person out of that room.

What. The. Fuck. Is. Going. On.

I feel like I've stumbled on something important, but look at me. I'm hitting a bunch of buttons on a laptop, and staring at the screen in front of me. You're staring at a different screen, yet going through the same thought process as I am.

I am not naïve enough to ask what it all means. None of you can answer that question, no one has ever answered that question (save the many cop-outs). Here is how I feel:

I want to know what it feels like to be a violin. Violins are pieces of wood, with a perpendicular piece of unattached wood, held in place by several strings of metal. They are pulled so tight that there are actually thousands of pounds of pressure on the smaller piece of wood (the bridge). A violin never gets a break. People don't take all the strings off for a while to let the violin rest. That is actually a bad idea, because the sound-post could fall out.

So imagine being a violin. How about one of those really old beautiful violins. I doubt they have ever been given a break. They have gone centuries under almost constant pressure from their strings. How does that feel? It doesn't, of course. Violins aren't alive. But what does that mean? When wood bends and snaps under pressure, is it not in agony?

I don't get it. I guess it doesn't matter. I guess nothing matters, and that's the point. But we all know that isn't true. I have feelings. I have feelings enough to have written this long damn post. I want to know what it's all about. "Nothing" isn't enough. I always feel like I am so close to getting it, but I'm never there. It is like when someone asks you the name of an actor, and their name is forever on the tip of your tongue.

I hate that feeling. Everyone hates that feeling. Right now, let me step forward and talk about me. I don't like my life right now. I am not doing well, I am not going to be doing well, my life feels unfulfilling, and I am very unhappy. I am stressed to the point of agony, and thus feel a lot of sympathy for my violin. I feel like we have something in common.

I hate my life right now. That sounds depressing, but I'm not depressed. I very rationally hate what my has become, and what it will be, at least for the next few years. I hate knowing the sacrifices people have made for me to become this way, so I can't stop, I have to keep going, because they matter more than I do.

So, for any (the two) of you who have been loyally checking up on this blog, wondering if I'll post again, that is how I feel. I feel dead. I feel old. I feel tired. I feel bored. I am done playing this game, but the game isn't over. I want to leave this party, but I promised I'd stay for several more hours. I'm ready to go, but I've nowhere to go but where I am, and I don't like where I am. Either I stay where I am, or I leave, alone and without a destination.

The choice is obvious. (this is long, if you get to this point, let me know and I'll give you candy for actually reading this far) I'll stay put, and do what I have to. My pain doesn't matter. It isn't real. My body isn't in pain (although it is hungry). Why does it matter? School isn't real. None of this is real. It is all this elaborate fantasy that has been developed over aeons. It is all a game, and like I said, I'm bored and I'm done playing. I know how the movie will end, and that spoils the movie. I want to go home, only there's no such thing.

What should I do? I know what I will do: I'll keep playing. I'll keep playing until I die. I'll finish school, maybe even do well. I'll unite the world in peace, or, failing that, become a successful businessman. Or maybe a failure of a businessman? Who knows, it is so exciting. Mystery. Drama. Suspense. Will I succeed. Yeah this movie sucks.

Anyway, I'll have kids, eventually have enough money to comfortably retire, and I'll be too old to really enjoy myself, and I'll have doomed my children to the same life.

That is what I will do. Is it what I should do?

Love,
Matt

Follow up on AllofMP3

So Allofmp3 is gone. Sad? WRONG!

Yeah so apparently when they got sued they put up a new site that is COMPLETELY DIFFERENT from Allofmp3 (for example, it has a different colour scheme and a different company name). THE ONLY THING that is similar is that you can log in with your Allofmp3 account and use your Allofmp3 account balance.

:D

All of mp3!!

Back in July, allofmp3.com was finally sued by the music industry, and went offline, but apparently they won the court case and will go back online any time now, I am so happy!

For more info, here is an article from the Independent.

Curious.

I have not updated this for months. Does anybody click the link to this blog just in case anymore? Or is my blog dead? I guess I am asking for a "sound off" to see if anybody is still here. Anybody?

Anyway, I will probably start updating here more come 2008, and not until then.

Love,
Matt

Dangit Apple, dangit

Apple is releasing the next version of its OS X, and it isn't very good. I just went through the new features and gave them prices according to what I would pay for shareware that would accomplish the same thing:

$0 — The new desktop is prettier. I would download a free thing that did this, but I would not pay for it.
$0 — The new finder looks like all the new features I didn't like about iTunes.
$15 — Quick Look looks like a really cool idea. I would not pay $20 for it.
$10 — Time Machine also looks neat, but I doubt I'd use it much, and it isn't worth more than $10 to me.
$0 — Spaces is already a free program that I could (and purposely don't) have.
$10 — The new Apple Mail has the notes and to do lists, and the improved address book. Total, that is $10 to me.
$0 — I do not use iChat because I do not talk to people online, plus I do not have a webcam.
$0 — iCal would be cool, but I use Google Calendar, making it useless to me.
$0 — The "new" dashboard is not really improved.
$0 — I don't care about Safari (plus I can get it free whether or not I get Leopard).
$0 — I don't have a Mactel, so Boot Camp means nothing to me.
$0 — Parental Controls, Photo Booth, Front Row, DVD Player, handicapped stuff and Automator still mean nothing to me, and I do not want to pay for anything that they do.
$5 — To be fair, I will assume there are $5 worth of something cool that is not advertised.


The price to upgrade is $130. This is $90 more than I am willing to pay. If you pay me $10, I will not take $100 out of my bank and then burn it. The problem is that as time goes on, more and more stuff will not be available on OS 10.4, and I am going to be forced to get 10.5 for that reason.

The question is, is that inconvenience worth $90 to me? The answer is no, it is not worth it. I am just annoyed that the inconvenience will be there at all. I would be happy to pay $40 for 10.5. Hell, I would even pay $50. But I would not pay $60, let alone $130. Fuck you, Apple.