Internet Explorer

I don't understand the idea of Internet Explorer.  It is not standards-compliant, it doesn't even support .png picture transparency, and it is hard as the dickens to code for.

It's like, if you want to make a beautiful website these days, you have to actually make two beautiful websites, where one of them is coded for Internet Explorer and the code itself makes a lot less sense.  If you are reading my blog with Internet Explorer, you yourself and me a favor and download Firefox.  It's faster, it is standards-compliant, and it will let you look at every web page.

I mean, Safari has its flaws but at least it obeys the W3C standards.  As a web designer, Internet Explorer is so frustrating, I hate it I hate it I hate it.

I am seriously considering not letting anyone using IE use wikifriends.  Like if someone tries there will be an error message that tells them I hate them and they should switch browsers.

iClip

Okay, so for a while now I've been thinking to myself, wouldn't it be great if you could copy and paste more than one thing at a time?  I mean, the copy-paste feature has been around longer than I've been alive, so you'd think it would be improved, especially in macs, where they are always trying to improve things like this.

Well I just discovered iClip, and it might become the next Quicksilver in how I use my computer (i.e. I will become a lot faster and start really missing this feature on every other computer I use).  It does cost $30 though, which is a pity.  I mean, if it's as useful as I think it will be, I won't have a problem with paying $30, but I hope it lets you put it on multiple computers, or I'm going to have to choose between my computer at work and at home.  I'm not paying $60.

You crazy cats have fun, bye.

Cane?

Vote!  Should I buy a classy cane?

I am actally serious about this.  You see, I have always wanted a classy cane, but I don't want people to think I am trying to look like a pimp.  I don't want a pimp cane, I want a classy cane. Are they the same thing?  Help me out here.

Nora's back

I should probably be really excited or at least relieved, but I actually just feel normal, like she was never gone.  It's like the last 5 months just disappeared.  Crazy.

Music

I should get back into listening to music.  Music is pretty cool, you know?

It's tricky to rock a rhyme to rock a rhyme that's right on time it's TRICKY!  tr-tr-tr-tricky tricky trrrrrrrricky!

Relationship! Relationship!

So Nora got back into the States yesterday, and she'll be in Ann Arbor late Sunday night. Last night we had a long conversation and that was cool. I'd say that I can't wait to see her, but I have to wait and I will wait (because I have to). I kind of feel bad in advance for how much I am going to not spend time with friends over the next week or so (sexsexsexsexsexsex).

Also I finally caved into the gaming world and bought a wii. I should set that up in Nora's house, you know for the summer. Oh and I don't think I ever mentioned that Jesse got me a Playstation (an original one) for my birthday. And I just got Tony Hawk Pro Skater 2 (hell yeah!). Looks like I will finally start playing video games.

In my math class I am currently getting 100% on everything ever. I am putting a lot of effort into the class, but also the professor is very easy. These are the combinations that lead to perfect scores. It looks like I'm going to have my first good grade in a while. And it's gonna be a very good grade. So heythatsnice.

I've been thinking a lot about my future. Lucky for me, the skills I have (programming, math) are skills that people will pay me a lot of money for. So I don't think money is going to be much of an obstacle once my life gets going. I mean, right now I've got a $15/hour webmastering job on a high school education with no related experience, and part-time. That's really nice for me.

But I want to do good in the world. Remember my plan to unite all countries in peace and end war? I still want to do that. But I don't know how. I don't have any idea where to begin, and as I develop a career and start a family, I'm not going to have time. I'm going to turn into an upper-middle-class dad who puts a couple more upper-middle-class children into the world and eventually retires and plays golf or something.

I feel like I'm at a crossroads of some sort, only instead of having to choose between two available paths, I already know which one I want to choose, but I can't figure out how to get to it. The path I'm on and the path I want to be on do not intersect at a crossroads, not that I can tell. What do I do in this situation?

I feel pretty pessimistic and hopeless about all this. And if you know me, you know that I'm a very optimistic person. I don't like being pessimistic. It doesn't suit me. Not at all.

Thanks for dropping by,
Matt

Regular Expressions!

I just learned regular expressions and successfully replaced every phone number formatted like this:

###-###-####

with the same phone number but formatted like this:

(###) ###-####

and all I had to do was search for (\d\d\d)-(\d\d\d)-(\d\d\d\d) and replace it with ($1) $2-$3 and bang zoom done!

Also to clarify my previous post, I was unconsciously rubbing my eyebrows, and then I noticed all these little hairs on the table, so I kept rubbing my eyebrows and SO MANY HAIRS BECAME ON THE TABLE

my eyebrows

I just picked out like ten billion eyebrow hairs.

No promises

Right now I have the full intention of going back to writing here. It does me good to write for an audience, whether or not I have one, you know? It's more fun than writing in a journal. Plus, Molly reads this, and that is pretty cool.

So I bought a wii a couple days back. It should arrive in the mail any time now. It was a pretty good deal—mario galaxy, wii games, wii sports, carnival games, zelda twilight princess, two wiimotes, two nunchucks, a classic controller, battery packs and a charger for the wiimotes, memory card, and an actual wii, for $400. I'm told that that is at leas $100 less than I would normally pay for such things. So yeah, the Sylvan house now has a wii. I still need to get Brawl, but that can wait. If anything I'll play Brawl at Jesse's house with my memory card.

When I get it probably the first thing I will do is get Mario 64 on the virtual console, because that shit is bumpin'.

I finally got a key at my job, so now I don't need to ask people to let me into places. Dang, they just trust me so much here, it's so different from the cafeteria, where Sue won't even let there be a dedicated captain key.

Yesterday I fell off my bike for the first time I can ever remember doing that. I didn't get hurt, but my jeans did. I've got some sewing to do this weekend! Yeah but anyway I didn't get at all hurt, but it was bizarre. I fell off and was just like, "wait what? Is this real? Is this ... possible?" I was just kind of confused I guess.

Jesse is finally showing me Avatar episodes, and they are very cool. Good show, A+.

I am feeling good about my own life. Less so about the rest of the world, but hey if I like my own life that's something. If everybody genuinely liked their lives, there wouldn't be much for me to dislike about the world, you know?

Ta!
Matt

Updates?

I am waiting until I actually feel good about myself and my life before I go back to updating.  Right now I mostly feel down, and I don't like writing about that.  I'd write about how happy I am, but however easy that is to talk about, I'm just not up for writing it.  But do you remember when this blog was kind of fun (if only for me)?  Let's bring that back.

But I'm not going to lie about how I feel here either, so we'll both have to wait.

Also, Gynelle my email address is lachancem at gmail dot com.

I feel terrible

I just spent the past 30 minutes curled up under my desk, and now I have a headache and I feel terrible.  I might sleep in my closet tonight.  That never makes me feel better when I'm really feeling bad, but at least I actually get to sleep.

By the way, today was really not a good day.  And now I have to swallow it and pretend I'm having fun all day tomorrow for my birthday.  I just do not want to deal with that right now.

I am going to start updating regularly!

(haha fooled you)

Hey, maybe I'll get back into this

I kind of like blogging, so maybe I'll start doing it again.  Why not, you know?

I am experimenting with habit-forming.  Do you know about the ideas that it takes 21 days to make a habit?  I think that's pretty cool.  More on this in 21 days.

Right now, I am a little tired I guess.  Saying that I miss my girlfriend is kind of needless I guess.  In a way, I feel like the best way to handle it is to bottle it up.  I mean, bottling things up is a great way to make the pain go away, and it makes everybody around you think you're fine.  But nothing goes away forever until you deal with it, and I guess it's easier to do it one day at a time now than all at once later.  Sigh.

How are you?  I have letters that I need to write, but that can wait until after my exam on wednesday.  In econ, we're starting on game theory.  I love on that stuff.

But really, how are you?

Matt 

This is just a test

RIAA

Finally!

It's about time!  One of my long-time problems with macs has been that they do not come with an alarm clock program, and every alarm clock on the internet costs money.  Not anymore.

This program offers a lot of control, and even wakes your computer up from being asleep.  It also is a menu-bar program, so it is completely not disruptive.  Pretty cool, pretty great.  Mac users, download this if you do not have an alarm clock (like me)

Best procession of cars

The Schaufelradbagger
The Killdozer
Optimus Prime
The A-Team van
Time travel Delorian
Popemobile
Batmobile
The Magic School Bus
Oscar Meyer Weinermobile
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

What am I missing?

Nine Inch Nails

is pretty good music. I am listening to the album Year Zero, and I'm surprising myself by liking it so much. It's really dissonant, which I like. I also found a bunch of stuff by Desert Planet, who makes video-game-esque music, and it is incredible.

If you never gave them (him?) a listen, try it out. Maybe you'll like it.

Third post

I forgot to add a person on my list.  Myself.  I like myself a lot.  And you know what, if I had to choose between having every person hate me but me liking me, and every person loving me but me hating me, that choice would easily be the former.

No question.  I'm pretty cool, and I know that.  I don't think many other people know that, and I feel bad about that I guess, but hey, at least I have me.

Night

Tonight

You probably missed the post I just made, scroll down and read it first.

Anyway, I don't know what to do with my dislike of alchohol.  I just sighed, just now, in real life.  I just did it two more times because it felt really good.  Anyway, I don't like being around drunk people (I say drunk for lack of a better word to say "people who have had any alchohol", I hate the word tipsy).  When someone drinks, they go from interesting to boring before my eyes.  I suddenly don't want to be around them, because I simply don't have time for such a person.  I could be wasting time on the internet, which is way more fun.

But that isn't why I hate it.  That's just a side reason.  The person I really hate is myself.  I try to ignore it, and I get half-drunk myself, except worse, because I am also sober.  I hate every thing that I do, and I hate every stupid word that my mouth says.  I try to fit in, and I try to have fun.  Where's the harm in that?  I don't know, but there is harm there, somehow.

There's harm because I'm not being myself.  I said a couple posts ago that I pride myself in not conforming to anything.  A far better way to say that is that I pride myself in being myself exactly.  No secrets, no acting, just me.  I go to a job interview and I do a bad job, because I don't give correct answers; I give my answers.

If there is anything that I really hate, it is when I stop being myself, and when people start drinking, I get as drunk as they, laughing and talking.  And I feel disgusting.  I loath every inch of my disgusting body and every noisy breath that esacpes it.

I always leave parties early because I cannot stand myself.  I always leave, depressed and very, very alone.

Just now, I left a party, and now I am depressed, and of course very, very alone.  I want to hang out with Molly, to be honest, because I like her and I know she is herself, but she's having fun with everyone, and a good friend wouldn't try to take her from that.  I'd call Jesse, but I don't think he'd really care.  Maybe we'd have a satisfyingly angry discussion about alchohol, but what good would that do.

Really, I want to hang out with Simon.  The one man that I can hug naturally.  But you know, he's at MSU.

Every time I hear footsteps go by my door, I hope it's someone, anyone to hang with me.  But no one ever really visits me.  People like the food I give them, and I have a nice sound system and comfy futon for watching movies.

Secret after secret, here's another inside look at me.  I don't think anybody really likes me.  Now that isn't true.  There are a few people that I honestly think do genuinely like me.  To list them, Gynelle, Nora, Simon, my parents, and maybe, maybe Jesse.

In case you aren't on that list and think you should be on it, no, that is a complete list.  I actually think that every person not on that list thinks I'm annoying, and puts up with me because I'm not that bad.  Am I wrong?  Probably.  I hope I'm wrong.  But logic can never truly change the way you feel, you know?

I just feel so god damned alone right now.  Most people think I'm doing well, because I say I'm doing well.  Why do I say I'm doing well when I'm not?  To answer your [my] question with another question, would you tell someone you knew didn't care about you that you were depressed?  Fuck no you wouldn't.  No matter what they said, you would know that really, they didn't care.

See, that is how I feel.  Ugh, I feel so emo or whatever.  I mean really, I'm not all that bad or anything and nothing bad is happening to me.  I just feel like a balloon that is way too full of air or helium or whatever, ready to burst.  Moreover, I feel like that balloon has just been bouncing off of pin after pin, somehow never popping.

Does it ever end?  Do I ever get actually happy?  Heh, I guess not.  That's for the perfects.  I just need to learn to be content with how I feel.  I need to sit down and do some god damned suffering.  That would do me some good.  I just sighed two more times.

I'm rereading this post now.  It is amazing what I can learn about myself just from typing and not stopping.  Do I feel better?  No, of course not, not at all.  I am still lonely, and I still think that most of my close friends only put up with me because they don't hate me.

Worst of all, I know that no one is going to knock on my door tonight, but I am going to lay awake waiting for it to happen anyway.

My life is awesome.  Someday, I will truly appreciate how awesome it is, but for now, I will continue to settle for simply knowing that it is awesome.

By the way, if you read this super-long post, and want me to believe that you like me, all you have to do is talk with me.  Have a serious conversation.  Tell me your problems and insecurities.  Tell me what you like, and what you think is pretty cool.  Share yourself with me.  If you didn't like me, you wouldn't do that, and I know it.

Tonight, I think will be the first night in a long time that I cry myself to sleep.  Getting rid of toxins is pretty cool though, so if you feel bad for me, don't.  Dollars to donuts your problems are worse then mine, especially since I'll be getting rid of toxins in a few short minutes!

I just sighed a few more times.  Sighing feels great.  Try it

Why do I have a blog?

I have a blog to give myself a way to talk to myself.  When I say "dear reader," I talk to myself, as I intend this to be read by me, and only by me.  I know that other people read this (Gynelle, Molly, and Nora), but it doesn't really make a difference to me.

I guess what I am saying is that I am writing all this for me.  I don't really assume that any of you care about what is going on in my head, but if you are reading, you probably do (that or you're bored and none of your webcomics are updated yet).  But, even if I had no readers, I would write this exactly as I do, because I don't really care if anybody reads it.

If you read this, know that you are reading exactly what is going on in my head, and nothing more or less.  When I write here, I understand myself better, and learn about who I am.  It is exciting for me.

I hope any readers other than yours truly enjoy this blog, or at least, I hope you end up glad you read it.  As an old answering machine message of mine once said, "it may give you an insight into the mind of a madman."

If you are reading this, you are my friend.  And I love you for caring about me enough to take this time.  I hope that some day you will tell me about your life and your thoughts (I won't read your blog, I don't have time).  I'd ask you, but I'm shy.  Don't you be afraid to ask me either.  Anything is better than a god-damned blog.

Thank you for reading this.  If you are reading right as I post it, be sure to wait a little while, I'm about to write another.  I guess this post is an intermission for me to say thank you.  As I said, I love you, you wonderful person.  Good night.