Meditating

So, lately I've been doing a lot of something like meditating. I've been separating myself from my viewpoint, and watching the world as it is. Here are my thoughts.

The "real world" as it were is hard to describe to someone who hasn't seen it. I'll do my best. Nobody is ever really there. For example, you are at your computer, perhaps in your house. Yet, you don't feel like you're in your house, and whether or not you're by your computer means little to you. You've probably got all kinds of crazy shit going on in your life. But really, what is it?

Assuming you're a student, you've got exams to study for and papers to write. What are those? The exams haven't even been printed yet, so what are they? Your papers are concepts in one human's (your) head. Or, if you're ahead of the game (I just lost the game, and so did you), it is taking up a few kilobytes on a hard disk inside your computer.

What does the paper have to do with anything? Imagine you have nothing to do with any of this now. You're a rock, on one of the moons off of Mars. Now what do these exams and papers mean to you? What about the life you're trying to build? Yeah, I guess the point is that it seems insignificant, like people say.

But I don't like that word. Insignificant implies that it is small compared to the universe. When I do this, it seems completely fake. There is no meaning behind the paper or the exam. How I do in college has no effect. If I succeed in uniting the planet, and saving the human race, it wouldn't carry any meaning.

With Physics, we still don't completely understand the way objects move. There are a few known forces of attraction (magnetism, gravity, etc), and the one we understand the least is gravity. But that applies mainly to rocks. Sometimes these rocks get very very hot, and they sometimes explode with such extremity that very heavy elements like gold are created, but they are only rocks.

Now, us, we are humans, and that makes us more important (namely because we are us, and we are not rocks). How do we move? Rocks move very predictably, following laws of physics. We move of our own accord, given stored-up energy that we collect and save. What is this energy? Why does it let us move, but not rocks? How come we can store it, but rocks can't? What does it mean to be conscious?

We are made up of the same neutrons, protons, and electrons as any rock in the universe, as any star out there. Yet we are conscious. How does that make us different? How is a dead body different from a living one?

When a teacher walks into a classroom, and informs the class that they are to walk into the hall, and they do, what just happened? A group of rocks were all sitting still in a room, and suddenly at the same time, they all stopped sitting and neatly filed out of the room, after some sound-waves hit them.

The answer isn't the professor, or the students. It isn't the sound-waves, or the sounds they made. It is the meaning behind the sounds the professor made. But what is that meaning? Where is it? The professor is there. The students are there. The sound is there. All that is real. The meaning is not. Yet, this nonexistent meaning was enough to drive every single person out of that room.

What. The. Fuck. Is. Going. On.

I feel like I've stumbled on something important, but look at me. I'm hitting a bunch of buttons on a laptop, and staring at the screen in front of me. You're staring at a different screen, yet going through the same thought process as I am.

I am not naïve enough to ask what it all means. None of you can answer that question, no one has ever answered that question (save the many cop-outs). Here is how I feel:

I want to know what it feels like to be a violin. Violins are pieces of wood, with a perpendicular piece of unattached wood, held in place by several strings of metal. They are pulled so tight that there are actually thousands of pounds of pressure on the smaller piece of wood (the bridge). A violin never gets a break. People don't take all the strings off for a while to let the violin rest. That is actually a bad idea, because the sound-post could fall out.

So imagine being a violin. How about one of those really old beautiful violins. I doubt they have ever been given a break. They have gone centuries under almost constant pressure from their strings. How does that feel? It doesn't, of course. Violins aren't alive. But what does that mean? When wood bends and snaps under pressure, is it not in agony?

I don't get it. I guess it doesn't matter. I guess nothing matters, and that's the point. But we all know that isn't true. I have feelings. I have feelings enough to have written this long damn post. I want to know what it's all about. "Nothing" isn't enough. I always feel like I am so close to getting it, but I'm never there. It is like when someone asks you the name of an actor, and their name is forever on the tip of your tongue.

I hate that feeling. Everyone hates that feeling. Right now, let me step forward and talk about me. I don't like my life right now. I am not doing well, I am not going to be doing well, my life feels unfulfilling, and I am very unhappy. I am stressed to the point of agony, and thus feel a lot of sympathy for my violin. I feel like we have something in common.

I hate my life right now. That sounds depressing, but I'm not depressed. I very rationally hate what my has become, and what it will be, at least for the next few years. I hate knowing the sacrifices people have made for me to become this way, so I can't stop, I have to keep going, because they matter more than I do.

So, for any (the two) of you who have been loyally checking up on this blog, wondering if I'll post again, that is how I feel. I feel dead. I feel old. I feel tired. I feel bored. I am done playing this game, but the game isn't over. I want to leave this party, but I promised I'd stay for several more hours. I'm ready to go, but I've nowhere to go but where I am, and I don't like where I am. Either I stay where I am, or I leave, alone and without a destination.

The choice is obvious. (this is long, if you get to this point, let me know and I'll give you candy for actually reading this far) I'll stay put, and do what I have to. My pain doesn't matter. It isn't real. My body isn't in pain (although it is hungry). Why does it matter? School isn't real. None of this is real. It is all this elaborate fantasy that has been developed over aeons. It is all a game, and like I said, I'm bored and I'm done playing. I know how the movie will end, and that spoils the movie. I want to go home, only there's no such thing.

What should I do? I know what I will do: I'll keep playing. I'll keep playing until I die. I'll finish school, maybe even do well. I'll unite the world in peace, or, failing that, become a successful businessman. Or maybe a failure of a businessman? Who knows, it is so exciting. Mystery. Drama. Suspense. Will I succeed. Yeah this movie sucks.

Anyway, I'll have kids, eventually have enough money to comfortably retire, and I'll be too old to really enjoy myself, and I'll have doomed my children to the same life.

That is what I will do. Is it what I should do?

Love,
Matt

Follow up on AllofMP3

So Allofmp3 is gone. Sad? WRONG!

Yeah so apparently when they got sued they put up a new site that is COMPLETELY DIFFERENT from Allofmp3 (for example, it has a different colour scheme and a different company name). THE ONLY THING that is similar is that you can log in with your Allofmp3 account and use your Allofmp3 account balance.

:D