Samsara

I am in Samsara right now, and I guess that is okay.  I need to accept where I am.  Nothing wrong with a little suffering.

Maybe some day I will have a nickname

Today I met someone and said that “most people call me Ace of Spades.”  They proceeded to call me Ace of Spades and I just couldn’t do it, and told them that when I said “most people” I meant “nobody” and they should just call me Matt.

I want a nickname.  Maybe then I would finally be cool

That’s nice

I had a dream where I said a bunch of really mean things to Nora.  It made me feel a lot better.  It’s hard for me to feel strongly about something, and to know very certainly that I am wrong.  So it is nice to be able to vent my feelings to myself, at least.

Also, now I feel weird about writing in here, because I know people read it.  I assumed a while ago that everybody stopped reading this blog.  If you are reading this because you want to talk to me but you aren’t sure what to say, you should probably just talk to me.  I mean, you know, friendship, etc.

Anyway yeah I feel pretty good this morning.

AAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Heat

Did you know that stormclouds release more heat than a small atomic bomb?  Isn’t that cool?

Haha the internet

So I am trying to refresh my memory about c-strings (in C++), and of course I type that into google and press I’m Feeling Lucky.  Apparently a c-string is like a strapless g-string?  Man, I will never feel lucky on the internet again.

FYI—the first correct page was third, and wikipedia

Hilarious !

Have you ever been in the situation when you are sitting in a room with a couple people, and this god-awful song is playing, and eventually you are so close to saying, “so what is this bullshit music anyway, I mean fuck,” when one of the other people in the room says “man this is such a good song” and the other person agrees, and they start talking about how good it is, and you are sitting there like, “buhhhhhh” just at a loss for words?

I left the room, and am listening to some good music in my own room.

Oh, me

I’m not sure what it is about my psyche that renders me incapable of leaning on friends.  I guess part of it is that I am usually disappointed with how people react when I open up to them.  Not that I can really expect anyone to know the right way to act—I don’t even know what I want.

I guess when it comes down to it, the only thing worse for me than dealing with something alone is opening up to a friend only to receive an undesired response.  I hate that situation.

So, I guess I should rephrase the first statement here: I have a pretty good idea why I am incapable of leaning on friends.  I don’t trust my friends.  The only person I fully trust is myself, because I have to.  On one hand, I can always count on myself to get through anything.

On the other hand, it’s pretty lonely over here. A while ago, I found out about a personality dynamic measuring system that had a category for people like me (we are apparently rare).  It was nice to see that I am not crazy.  To be honest, I was always a little worried.

I mean, look at supervillans in movies.  They are always cold and calculating, never letting their emotions affect their actions.  No friends.  I mean, when I read the Harry Potter books, I always felt I related more to Lord Voldemort than anyone else.

I have plenty of friends, but I am close to few if any of them.  I am perpetually trying to become more and more self-reliant, to the point that it is almost an obsession.  I can talk to snakes.  Reading that personality analysis was really nice, because it essentially told me that I am an okay person.

That doesn’t make me less lonely though.  And if you are thinking of writing “Hey Matt you can always call me, no matter what, etc etc,” you are a truly good person, and I really appreciate it, but I will definitely not take you up on it.  I never have.

People think that I’m crazy

just ’cause I wanna be alone.
you can’t depend on friends to help you in a squeeze—
we all deal with shit on our own

Randall Munroe would classify this temperature as “FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKCOLD”

it is -20ºC

Just curious

Did anybody else grow up secretly worried that world-class hackers could see your face as if your computer screen were a window of which they were on the other side?

Of those of you who answer yes, are you terrified of Apple’s new standard of the built-in webcam for exactly this reason?

Poor Earth

Man the Earth is trying just SO HARD to be a perfect absorber, but the atmosphere is just fucking everything up.  The Earth could kill EVERYONE for this

Pros and cons to being single

Pros:
– I can go to sleep and wake up whenever I want
– I can wake up to the Circle of Life and go watch the sunrise
– I can eat garlic whenever I want
– I get to keep all my positive energy for myself
– My clothes are the only clothes in my room
– No problems other than my own
– No more being sad about my relationship going poorly
– I can sleep on whichever side of the bed I want
– Always my music all the time

Cons:
– Lonely

I miss tall facebook pictures

seriously!

Man, can somebody just walk me through this or something?

I’m pretty rational—not in touch with how I feel. I feel a feeling that I haven’t felt in a long time (about breaking up with Nora): I feel empty. Haha—not like “WHO AM I WITHOUT A GIRL;” I feel devoid of emotion.

I used to be like this before I went to Toronto. I learned to deal with how I felt and stop bottling things up, and stopped having this feeling. Now I’m getting it again, which means I’m bottling things up, but I don’t know where I put the bottle and I don’t know what’s in it.

I can’t deal with how I feel if I don’t feel anything. I want to feel some goddamn pain, maybe cry a little, maybe write a silly poem. I guess I never had to deal with this before, so I reverted to an old habit. GREAT, so now what? Shouldn’t I be having crazy mood swings where I am like laughing about a comic and then calling up a friend in tears  Shouldn’t I be crying onto some picture of Nora and I together, or some lame bullshit like that?

I think I should. But I don’t really care. How do I make myself care? I know I should.

There are a lot of qualities that I really admire in a person, and I have very few of them.  It’s about time I became the person I wish I were.

I need to watch what I say more, and basically just speak less.  I should curse less too.  Obviously, I should keep trying for more discipline and better time-management.  I want to get fit.  Partly to look better naked, but mostly to ensure that I will live healthily into middle and old age.

I will start running, three days a week, to help my heart grow strong and begin the process of making my body permanently healthy. Once that is going strong, I’ll head over to the reuse center to get a bench and some weights. It’s pretty cool because you can get full weight-training sets (complete with barbells and dumbbells) for like $15 there. That will help me look good naked and generally feel better about myself.

I’ll also start eating well. I’ll have to, to start working out, but also I should make an effort to. Again, that will make me feel better about myself. Taking care of myself, etc.

If I do that, I will feel clean and good, which will help me do my schoolwork.

Perhaps I’ll start going to the temple again on Wednesday evenings, as well. That would help me in so many ways. Among other things, it would help me practice right speech. Plus, it would be good for me to go through the humility of relearning the chants.

Breaking up with Nora has made me realise that I’ve really slowed down my attempts to improve myself. I think going out with her made me too secure in who I was. If I had self-esteem issues, that sort of feeling would be helpful, but I don’t, so it takes me in the wrong direction.

There are some things I did very diligently before I started going out with Nora, and when we started dating, I stopped doing them. I don’t think I ever even mentioned them to her. Like going to watch the sunrise from my favorite spot. I used to do that at least once a week, and now I haven’t done it in years. What happened to that?

I need to get back on track. Until now, my post-breakup thoughts had mainly been musings about finding another girlfriend, but I need to put that to rest, and build up a stronger self before I start that. I mean, yeah, time and rebounds, yeah, I know that, and I’m not stupid enough to do anything, but that was mainly what I thought about. I have this hole all of a sudden and I want to fill it—I feel like that’s pretty natural. Don’t worry though, I think I’ll leave it empty for at least a medium while.