Oh, me

I’m not sure what it is about my psyche that renders me incapable of leaning on friends.  I guess part of it is that I am usually disappointed with how people react when I open up to them.  Not that I can really expect anyone to know the right way to act—I don’t even know what I want.

I guess when it comes down to it, the only thing worse for me than dealing with something alone is opening up to a friend only to receive an undesired response.  I hate that situation.

So, I guess I should rephrase the first statement here: I have a pretty good idea why I am incapable of leaning on friends.  I don’t trust my friends.  The only person I fully trust is myself, because I have to.  On one hand, I can always count on myself to get through anything.

On the other hand, it’s pretty lonely over here. A while ago, I found out about a personality dynamic measuring system that had a category for people like me (we are apparently rare).  It was nice to see that I am not crazy.  To be honest, I was always a little worried.

I mean, look at supervillans in movies.  They are always cold and calculating, never letting their emotions affect their actions.  No friends.  I mean, when I read the Harry Potter books, I always felt I related more to Lord Voldemort than anyone else.

I have plenty of friends, but I am close to few if any of them.  I am perpetually trying to become more and more self-reliant, to the point that it is almost an obsession.  I can talk to snakes.  Reading that personality analysis was really nice, because it essentially told me that I am an okay person.

That doesn’t make me less lonely though.  And if you are thinking of writing “Hey Matt you can always call me, no matter what, etc etc,” you are a truly good person, and I really appreciate it, but I will definitely not take you up on it.  I never have.