Tonight

You probably missed the post I just made, scroll down and read it first.

Anyway, I don't know what to do with my dislike of alchohol.  I just sighed, just now, in real life.  I just did it two more times because it felt really good.  Anyway, I don't like being around drunk people (I say drunk for lack of a better word to say "people who have had any alchohol", I hate the word tipsy).  When someone drinks, they go from interesting to boring before my eyes.  I suddenly don't want to be around them, because I simply don't have time for such a person.  I could be wasting time on the internet, which is way more fun.

But that isn't why I hate it.  That's just a side reason.  The person I really hate is myself.  I try to ignore it, and I get half-drunk myself, except worse, because I am also sober.  I hate every thing that I do, and I hate every stupid word that my mouth says.  I try to fit in, and I try to have fun.  Where's the harm in that?  I don't know, but there is harm there, somehow.

There's harm because I'm not being myself.  I said a couple posts ago that I pride myself in not conforming to anything.  A far better way to say that is that I pride myself in being myself exactly.  No secrets, no acting, just me.  I go to a job interview and I do a bad job, because I don't give correct answers; I give my answers.

If there is anything that I really hate, it is when I stop being myself, and when people start drinking, I get as drunk as they, laughing and talking.  And I feel disgusting.  I loath every inch of my disgusting body and every noisy breath that esacpes it.

I always leave parties early because I cannot stand myself.  I always leave, depressed and very, very alone.

Just now, I left a party, and now I am depressed, and of course very, very alone.  I want to hang out with Molly, to be honest, because I like her and I know she is herself, but she's having fun with everyone, and a good friend wouldn't try to take her from that.  I'd call Jesse, but I don't think he'd really care.  Maybe we'd have a satisfyingly angry discussion about alchohol, but what good would that do.

Really, I want to hang out with Simon.  The one man that I can hug naturally.  But you know, he's at MSU.

Every time I hear footsteps go by my door, I hope it's someone, anyone to hang with me.  But no one ever really visits me.  People like the food I give them, and I have a nice sound system and comfy futon for watching movies.

Secret after secret, here's another inside look at me.  I don't think anybody really likes me.  Now that isn't true.  There are a few people that I honestly think do genuinely like me.  To list them, Gynelle, Nora, Simon, my parents, and maybe, maybe Jesse.

In case you aren't on that list and think you should be on it, no, that is a complete list.  I actually think that every person not on that list thinks I'm annoying, and puts up with me because I'm not that bad.  Am I wrong?  Probably.  I hope I'm wrong.  But logic can never truly change the way you feel, you know?

I just feel so god damned alone right now.  Most people think I'm doing well, because I say I'm doing well.  Why do I say I'm doing well when I'm not?  To answer your [my] question with another question, would you tell someone you knew didn't care about you that you were depressed?  Fuck no you wouldn't.  No matter what they said, you would know that really, they didn't care.

See, that is how I feel.  Ugh, I feel so emo or whatever.  I mean really, I'm not all that bad or anything and nothing bad is happening to me.  I just feel like a balloon that is way too full of air or helium or whatever, ready to burst.  Moreover, I feel like that balloon has just been bouncing off of pin after pin, somehow never popping.

Does it ever end?  Do I ever get actually happy?  Heh, I guess not.  That's for the perfects.  I just need to learn to be content with how I feel.  I need to sit down and do some god damned suffering.  That would do me some good.  I just sighed two more times.

I'm rereading this post now.  It is amazing what I can learn about myself just from typing and not stopping.  Do I feel better?  No, of course not, not at all.  I am still lonely, and I still think that most of my close friends only put up with me because they don't hate me.

Worst of all, I know that no one is going to knock on my door tonight, but I am going to lay awake waiting for it to happen anyway.

My life is awesome.  Someday, I will truly appreciate how awesome it is, but for now, I will continue to settle for simply knowing that it is awesome.

By the way, if you read this super-long post, and want me to believe that you like me, all you have to do is talk with me.  Have a serious conversation.  Tell me your problems and insecurities.  Tell me what you like, and what you think is pretty cool.  Share yourself with me.  If you didn't like me, you wouldn't do that, and I know it.

Tonight, I think will be the first night in a long time that I cry myself to sleep.  Getting rid of toxins is pretty cool though, so if you feel bad for me, don't.  Dollars to donuts your problems are worse then mine, especially since I'll be getting rid of toxins in a few short minutes!

I just sighed a few more times.  Sighing feels great.  Try it