I think I've been using my blog as a kind of friend-substitute until now. The entry a couple entries ago is what clued me into that. Anyway I am making friends now. I don't really feel the need to post here anymore. Maybe this will change, we'll see. But I mean, the only reason to post here is if I have no one to talk to, and now I have people to talk to. Pretty much all the time. And a girlfriend who lives in the same building who I can say anything to. And there's no crazy shit going on in our relationship so I don't need another friend to talk about that with.
Anyway, classes are super, etc etc, bye. (I actually just got really bored in the middle of that sentence, and I am going to get set for class instead of finishing it.)
16 January, 2007
13 January, 2007
Too busy to update
Not really, but there is generally something else I'd rather do. Either I am going on a blog lapse, or this is the end of my blog. Or I will change my mind tomorrow and start updating more-than-daily again. We'll see. In any case, I'm having a good, fun, and hella busy time. Matt OUT
09 January, 2007
Man
Why the hell am I so unstable lately. I really don't like that. You know, maybe I should meditate. I bet that would be really good for me. I haven't meditated on my own for a long time. Yeah, I'll do that right now.
08 January, 2007
Woooooo
I am really enjoying today so far. Is so busy.
Oh and for some conclusion to the previous post I walked to the VA Hospital and back and then talked to Nora for a long time. Nora is better than you, blog. BETTER. Don't worry I still love you though. But not nearly as much as Nora. Anyway I have another class. Man I am DIGGING being this busy. Awesome!
Oh and for some conclusion to the previous post I walked to the VA Hospital and back and then talked to Nora for a long time. Nora is better than you, blog. BETTER. Don't worry I still love you though. But not nearly as much as Nora. Anyway I have another class. Man I am DIGGING being this busy. Awesome!
06 January, 2007
Just kind of getting worse
Man you know my whole thing where I am feeling all kinds of stressed out for no apparent reason? It seemed to be getting better over the past few days, but now it's back worse than ever before. I feel really horrible right now.
You know, it's real nice to have a blog. Before now, I would basically have to deal with my problems on my own without anywhere to vent them. I mean, I have plenty of friends who will listen, but I don't want to be around a bunch of friends when I'm upset. But I can always just write in my blog. Maybe people will read the post, maybe not. No worries either way. It's really cool. But yeah, about 20 minutes ago I got hit with the sudden depression thing, and I really need to do something about that.
Anyway, I think I'm going to see how far I can walk. Bye.
You know, it's real nice to have a blog. Before now, I would basically have to deal with my problems on my own without anywhere to vent them. I mean, I have plenty of friends who will listen, but I don't want to be around a bunch of friends when I'm upset. But I can always just write in my blog. Maybe people will read the post, maybe not. No worries either way. It's really cool. But yeah, about 20 minutes ago I got hit with the sudden depression thing, and I really need to do something about that.
Anyway, I think I'm going to see how far I can walk. Bye.
04 January, 2007
02 January, 2007
I guess I want to go to sleep but I can't?
I am tired but I have to stay up for another hour because of ebay. Nora gets home in 24 hours or so, which will be great.
Right now I feel really drained. Tired, even. Yeah, I just am tired. Those of you who have seen me when I am tired know that when I am tired I am very melancholy and pensive and sad. Those of you who know me know that I am actually none of these things, I just want to be in bed and asleep instead of awake and on the internet. I don't think there is anything interesting left on the internet.
I don't really want to be on the internet, I don't want to read a book, I don't want to play a game, I don't want to hang out with a friend (except maybe Simon or Nora or Gynelle), I don't want to be writing here, I want to close my eyes and keep them that way. I hate it when basically the only thing I can do is waste time. I mean, I waste time like anybody else, I am always getting my time waste on, but right now I am tired. Here is a poem about how I want to go to sleep. Perhaps writing this poem will keep me entertained:
I lay in bed, the sky is dark,
The movie's over, and my eyes
Are closing as my brain embarks
On dreams but no! to its surprise
I force them open, make them focus
On the bright computer screen
With ebay open all aglow
And I the slave of this machine
Okay I'm getting bored writing this. Maybe some other time. I'm too tired for poetry. Agrlauhrbgbhrulauhrb
46 minutes 52 seconds.
Incidentally, 1 day, 18 minutes, and 12 seconds until Nora gets back.
AGH LET ME SLEEP
Right now I feel really drained. Tired, even. Yeah, I just am tired. Those of you who have seen me when I am tired know that when I am tired I am very melancholy and pensive and sad. Those of you who know me know that I am actually none of these things, I just want to be in bed and asleep instead of awake and on the internet. I don't think there is anything interesting left on the internet.
I don't really want to be on the internet, I don't want to read a book, I don't want to play a game, I don't want to hang out with a friend (except maybe Simon or Nora or Gynelle), I don't want to be writing here, I want to close my eyes and keep them that way. I hate it when basically the only thing I can do is waste time. I mean, I waste time like anybody else, I am always getting my time waste on, but right now I am tired. Here is a poem about how I want to go to sleep. Perhaps writing this poem will keep me entertained:
I lay in bed, the sky is dark,
The movie's over, and my eyes
Are closing as my brain embarks
On dreams but no! to its surprise
I force them open, make them focus
On the bright computer screen
With ebay open all aglow
And I the slave of this machine
Okay I'm getting bored writing this. Maybe some other time. I'm too tired for poetry. Agrlauhrbgbhrulauhrb
46 minutes 52 seconds.
Incidentally, 1 day, 18 minutes, and 12 seconds until Nora gets back.
AGH LET ME SLEEP
01 January, 2007
FIRST POST THIS YEAR
Simon is so hella cool. I cannot exaggerate how hella cool Simon is. It is not possible. He is fucking awesome. (We basically hung out and talked for an hour and a half.)
31 December, 2006
Math
Math basically manages to make me feel at peace with everything all the time. I was feeling all sorts of strongly about religion, and now, well, I still feel exactly the same, but I'm not angry about it. Yeah, that's it. Math doesn't make me withdrawn, just emotionally unattached.
Yes, emotionally unattached exactly. Also, writing about it helped a lot. I guess that's why I have a blog. To be a friend that can listen to me even when all my other friends are elsewhere. Nice.
In an hour and a half or so, I'll be going to a party. Cool.
Also Nora is on a plane right now that is taking her back into the States. Cool.
And she gets back on Wednesday. Woo!
And I'll maybe hang out with Simon tonight. Emosewa.
Yes, emotionally unattached exactly. Also, writing about it helped a lot. I guess that's why I have a blog. To be a friend that can listen to me even when all my other friends are elsewhere. Nice.
In an hour and a half or so, I'll be going to a party. Cool.
Also Nora is on a plane right now that is taking her back into the States. Cool.
And she gets back on Wednesday. Woo!
And I'll maybe hang out with Simon tonight. Emosewa.
Warning, a lot of hate in this post
Over the past week I have been hating the hell out of religion in general. It mainly started when I read that Sam Harris book. At first I actually disagreed with him a lot, but I've been thinking about it a hella lot and I really do hate religions. I feel like they only cause harm.
A religion is just one more form of separation from other people. A way of feeling superior to the people who aren't in your club. We already have race, sexuality, age, gender, and language; we don't need yet another way of shouting at your neighbour, "I AM DIFFERENT FROM YOU." Not different, better.
Now, many people get a lot out of going to services for their religion or whatever. Hell, I went to Catholic mass yesterday and got a lot out of it. But now that I'm not brainwashed by the church I can see the difference between getting a lot out of the religion, and getting a lot of comfort from familiarity. Of course I got a lot out of it. I grew up with Christianity. It's nostalgic.
Even in Buddhism, there are different sects. Now, they all pride themselves in not judging, but judgement is a natural human reaction to anything. This is basic survival. So when a Japanese monk comes to a Korean temple, all the things he notices are the ways they do things differently. Grey robes instead of black. Only one hwadu instead of all the koans. Et cetera. I recall a Japanese monk saying exactly this. He went on to talk about how he realised he was focusing on all the wrong things, and that really we had way more in common than different. That is wisdom.
Religions encourage people to judge people of other religions. That is my first problem with religions. My second problem is that they encourage people to think that wonderful happenings must have been caused by a god or higher being.
When it rains for two months, it is because of the way the atmosphere is. When a poor man gets a job, climbs the ladder, and becomes rich, it is because he willed it to be so. Why can't we accept that humans are very wonderful on their own? Why should either event be caused by a god? Both are very possible, however unlikely. When a tsunami kills thousands of people on Christmas Eve, what makes that have anything to do with god? It doesn't. Yet many people felt righteous enough to say it was God punishing the non-believers. I have nothing but hatred for righteous people of any kind. Fuck them.
Religions do not make people better. I have no religion, and I am (stepping away from modesty for a moment) a hella good person. By the way, for those of you who are saying "I thought you were Buddhist," I stopped being Buddhist months ago. I go to the temple because I think meditation is wonderful, as are all the things we do at the temple. I think the teachings of Buddhism are right on. But that doesn't make me a Buddhist. It doesn't because I doubt the teachings and judge them. I decide whether or not I like a teaching. That is using my own moral compass, and not that of a religion. I affiliate myself most with Buddhism because I rarely (not never, though) find a teaching that I find unbeneficial. Therefore, I am not completely accepting the teachings of Buddhism, and am putting myself outside of the religion to judge it.
I believe the same to be true of anyone who does not follow their entire religion. If you are one of those people, please think about it. Are you actually getting positive things out of your faith, or are you actually just using your own considerable knowledge and wisdom to pick and choose? Are you getting anything positive out of services, or are they just comforting because they are familiar? Please give it some honest, open-minded thought. If I'm wrong, tell me. But be prepared for an argument, and be prepared to tell me exactly what you do get out of it.
Religions only cause harm. The good parts of religion are (depending on the religion) the teachings and practises. But stay away from beliefs, because that leads to righteousness. How else can you be when you have absolutely no evidence to support your claim of there being a god. Yes, I can't prove that there is no god, but I don't have the burden of proof here. I don't believe in anything that hasn't been already proven. Not out of ease, but out of common sense. Think about it. Why should there be a god? Because you like the idea of some all-powerful being controlling everything? That idea makes you more comfortable with the world? Okay, then whatever. At least recognise that there is not a shred of evidence to support your claim, and kindly keep your mouth shut about it. Just because you feel more at ease thinking that we are not capable of greatness on our own does not mean that other people do or even should agree.
I hate religion.
By the way, Nora, if you happen to read this, your note did not cause this. I was planning on making this post before I got it. It did make me feel a little more strongly about it, but I've been feeling like this a while.
Anyway, back to addressing all the readers, you can comment on this if you want, but I'd rather have a real conversation about it. Please do convince me I'm wrong. I don't like hating things.
A religion is just one more form of separation from other people. A way of feeling superior to the people who aren't in your club. We already have race, sexuality, age, gender, and language; we don't need yet another way of shouting at your neighbour, "I AM DIFFERENT FROM YOU." Not different, better.
Now, many people get a lot out of going to services for their religion or whatever. Hell, I went to Catholic mass yesterday and got a lot out of it. But now that I'm not brainwashed by the church I can see the difference between getting a lot out of the religion, and getting a lot of comfort from familiarity. Of course I got a lot out of it. I grew up with Christianity. It's nostalgic.
Even in Buddhism, there are different sects. Now, they all pride themselves in not judging, but judgement is a natural human reaction to anything. This is basic survival. So when a Japanese monk comes to a Korean temple, all the things he notices are the ways they do things differently. Grey robes instead of black. Only one hwadu instead of all the koans. Et cetera. I recall a Japanese monk saying exactly this. He went on to talk about how he realised he was focusing on all the wrong things, and that really we had way more in common than different. That is wisdom.
Religions encourage people to judge people of other religions. That is my first problem with religions. My second problem is that they encourage people to think that wonderful happenings must have been caused by a god or higher being.
When it rains for two months, it is because of the way the atmosphere is. When a poor man gets a job, climbs the ladder, and becomes rich, it is because he willed it to be so. Why can't we accept that humans are very wonderful on their own? Why should either event be caused by a god? Both are very possible, however unlikely. When a tsunami kills thousands of people on Christmas Eve, what makes that have anything to do with god? It doesn't. Yet many people felt righteous enough to say it was God punishing the non-believers. I have nothing but hatred for righteous people of any kind. Fuck them.
Religions do not make people better. I have no religion, and I am (stepping away from modesty for a moment) a hella good person. By the way, for those of you who are saying "I thought you were Buddhist," I stopped being Buddhist months ago. I go to the temple because I think meditation is wonderful, as are all the things we do at the temple. I think the teachings of Buddhism are right on. But that doesn't make me a Buddhist. It doesn't because I doubt the teachings and judge them. I decide whether or not I like a teaching. That is using my own moral compass, and not that of a religion. I affiliate myself most with Buddhism because I rarely (not never, though) find a teaching that I find unbeneficial. Therefore, I am not completely accepting the teachings of Buddhism, and am putting myself outside of the religion to judge it.
I believe the same to be true of anyone who does not follow their entire religion. If you are one of those people, please think about it. Are you actually getting positive things out of your faith, or are you actually just using your own considerable knowledge and wisdom to pick and choose? Are you getting anything positive out of services, or are they just comforting because they are familiar? Please give it some honest, open-minded thought. If I'm wrong, tell me. But be prepared for an argument, and be prepared to tell me exactly what you do get out of it.
Religions only cause harm. The good parts of religion are (depending on the religion) the teachings and practises. But stay away from beliefs, because that leads to righteousness. How else can you be when you have absolutely no evidence to support your claim of there being a god. Yes, I can't prove that there is no god, but I don't have the burden of proof here. I don't believe in anything that hasn't been already proven. Not out of ease, but out of common sense. Think about it. Why should there be a god? Because you like the idea of some all-powerful being controlling everything? That idea makes you more comfortable with the world? Okay, then whatever. At least recognise that there is not a shred of evidence to support your claim, and kindly keep your mouth shut about it. Just because you feel more at ease thinking that we are not capable of greatness on our own does not mean that other people do or even should agree.
I hate religion.
By the way, Nora, if you happen to read this, your note did not cause this. I was planning on making this post before I got it. It did make me feel a little more strongly about it, but I've been feeling like this a while.
Anyway, back to addressing all the readers, you can comment on this if you want, but I'd rather have a real conversation about it. Please do convince me I'm wrong. I don't like hating things.
28 December, 2006
4th (fourth) post today
I learned to use an abacus! I am so hella slow, and I need to memorise my multiplication table up to 9x9=81. I mean I mostly have it memorised already, but I need to actually do it, and then I can multiply and divide on an abacus. There is nothing, nothing more hardcore than doing division on an abacus.
One day, I will find a tiny abacus that is really nice. It will be the good kind that has 4 in the ones and 1 in the fives (most have 5 in the ones and 2 in the fives, which is inefficient and retarded, I think the kind I want is called a soroban?), and it will fit in my pocket. I will break it out and do maximum mathematics on it, and people will faint. Awesome.
One day, I will find a tiny abacus that is really nice. It will be the good kind that has 4 in the ones and 1 in the fives (most have 5 in the ones and 2 in the fives, which is inefficient and retarded, I think the kind I want is called a soroban?), and it will fit in my pocket. I will break it out and do maximum mathematics on it, and people will faint. Awesome.
Wow.
My grandma just gave me my grandfather's old jewellery (cufflinks, pins, tie bars, etc). All in this old box with the Optimist's Creed on it. Holy shit this is the best present ever. I am going to be using this stuff for the rest of my life.
Awesometastic
I am going to hang out with Kaitlin, which is pretty great. I mean, this is more than a week from now, but it is happening, so that's good. I'll maybe hang out with James too. Maybe Liz too? I should definitely hang out with Gynelle, even though we both live in Ann Arbor. I should also figure out a way to "chill" with "Anneka." And Asya. Also I should definitely hang out with Ted and Erica maybe. SO MANY FRIENDS
Ted is a guy that I wish I was better friends with. He seems like a hell of great guy, but I feel like I don't really know him well enough to just hang out with him. Oh well. Can't be friends with everybody, I guess.
Ted is a guy that I wish I was better friends with. He seems like a hell of great guy, but I feel like I don't really know him well enough to just hang out with him. Oh well. Can't be friends with everybody, I guess.
Simon
Man, you know why I like Simon? He is a man who thinks. It is rare to find a person who thinks. There are a lot of people who think they think, but very few who actually think. If you don't actually think, try it. It's not hard. Just rare.
I love talking to people who think, because when they talk, you can tell they've thought about it. If Simon isn't pretty sure of something, he doesn't say it. If he's sure of something, he says it. If everybody was like that, the world would be completely perfect.
Anyway I just hung out with Simon.
I love talking to people who think, because when they talk, you can tell they've thought about it. If Simon isn't pretty sure of something, he doesn't say it. If he's sure of something, he says it. If everybody was like that, the world would be completely perfect.
Anyway I just hung out with Simon.
27 December, 2006
Woooooo
Well I talked to Nora on the phone which was pretty great. It is amazing to me how breaks are more stressful than school. It is like, there are so many family friend parties between Christmas and New Years that I don't want to go to, but not going would be rude, so I go, and I stand around and maybe talk to someone I haven't talked to for a couple years and won't talk to for a couple years and ugh imagine I could be just sitting down silently or even having fun.
Whatever.
Anyway, I am going to try to hang out with some friends maybe. We'll see what happens with that.
Whatever.
Anyway, I am going to try to hang out with some friends maybe. We'll see what happens with that.
Stuff that I got for Christmas
I got:
The idea behind the darkroom is that I will put together a darkroom and my parents will buy it. This is basically just completely awesome. I will be doing photography again. Hardcore.
Also I still miss my girlfriend, and kind of feel bad about this. Because I don't really ever miss people. I have my moments, where I get my sad on and miss some friends or family, but they never last long, and they rarely happen. Yet I really miss Nora. It is like, on one hand this is a basic thing, but on the other, I feel like there are so many people I should also be missing that I'm not, and plus I should be putting more effort into hanging out with my high school friends who are back in town (so far I have only hung out briefly with Ted and Erica, and they are the ones that visited me).
Then it bothers me that I even feel bad about this. I should miss my girlfriend a whole bunch, because I love her and I want to always be with her. Right now, what with her being in Israel, I can't even call her, let alone see her. But it has been what, not even a week? Kind of pathetic. It's like, I always scoff a little when I see couples get all bent out of shape over little things like this, but here I am being Matt the Hypocrite once again and doing exactly that. And I kind of hate that.
Actually you know what? Better idea: I miss Nora a hella lot, and I should. What I can take from this is that I have no business judging people for this kind of thing. Now that I am on this end, I can sympathise, and it is not something to roll my eyes about. I apologise to all those of you who I have inwardly rolled my eyes at. I don't really remember specifically who you are, and I doubt you read my blog, but sorry about that.
Anyway, yeah, I miss Nora a fucking lot, and I should probably hang out with friends. I'll get on that.
I just finished reading one of my books, called Letter to a Christian Nation by Sam Harris. I recommend this, and will lend it out to anyone who wants to read it; it's a quick read. I am not sure I agree with a lot of what he says, but he does say something that you don't hear a lot of people saying: Religion is evil, and unsafe. He makes a lot of very convincing points, and backs himself up very well.
Aussi, j'ai un livre qui s'appelle Le Petit Prince. C'est un livre pour les enfants, mais c'est très difficile lire pour moi. Je ne lis pas bien en français encore, mais j'aime tenter.
EDIT: Haha I forgot to press the send button last night. Oops.
- an awesome popcorn popper
- some great books
- clothes, candy, and cleaning stuff
- and a darkroom that my parents are going to pay for
The idea behind the darkroom is that I will put together a darkroom and my parents will buy it. This is basically just completely awesome. I will be doing photography again. Hardcore.
Also I still miss my girlfriend, and kind of feel bad about this. Because I don't really ever miss people. I have my moments, where I get my sad on and miss some friends or family, but they never last long, and they rarely happen. Yet I really miss Nora. It is like, on one hand this is a basic thing, but on the other, I feel like there are so many people I should also be missing that I'm not, and plus I should be putting more effort into hanging out with my high school friends who are back in town (so far I have only hung out briefly with Ted and Erica, and they are the ones that visited me).
Then it bothers me that I even feel bad about this. I should miss my girlfriend a whole bunch, because I love her and I want to always be with her. Right now, what with her being in Israel, I can't even call her, let alone see her. But it has been what, not even a week? Kind of pathetic. It's like, I always scoff a little when I see couples get all bent out of shape over little things like this, but here I am being Matt the Hypocrite once again and doing exactly that. And I kind of hate that.
Actually you know what? Better idea: I miss Nora a hella lot, and I should. What I can take from this is that I have no business judging people for this kind of thing. Now that I am on this end, I can sympathise, and it is not something to roll my eyes about. I apologise to all those of you who I have inwardly rolled my eyes at. I don't really remember specifically who you are, and I doubt you read my blog, but sorry about that.
Anyway, yeah, I miss Nora a fucking lot, and I should probably hang out with friends. I'll get on that.
I just finished reading one of my books, called Letter to a Christian Nation by Sam Harris. I recommend this, and will lend it out to anyone who wants to read it; it's a quick read. I am not sure I agree with a lot of what he says, but he does say something that you don't hear a lot of people saying: Religion is evil, and unsafe. He makes a lot of very convincing points, and backs himself up very well.
Aussi, j'ai un livre qui s'appelle Le Petit Prince. C'est un livre pour les enfants, mais c'est très difficile lire pour moi. Je ne lis pas bien en français encore, mais j'aime tenter.
EDIT: Haha I forgot to press the send button last night. Oops.
24 December, 2006
ADD?
I might have ADD. More on this later. But damn, it would explain a hella lot if I have ADD. I am not going to take any medication, but if I do have ADD, I can second-guess myself and help myself out of it. On second thought, it doesn't really matter if I have ADD or not. Even if I don't, I can just act like I do, and become way better at everything.
Yeah, this supports my opinion that all these psychological diseases are fake ideas. I'll let you know how this goes.
Yeah, this supports my opinion that all these psychological diseases are fake ideas. I'll let you know how this goes.
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