I’m pretty rational—not in touch with how I feel. I feel a feeling that I haven’t felt in a long time (about breaking up with Nora): I feel empty. Haha—not like “WHO AM I WITHOUT A GIRL;” I feel devoid of emotion.
I used to be like this before I went to Toronto. I learned to deal with how I felt and stop bottling things up, and stopped having this feeling. Now I’m getting it again, which means I’m bottling things up, but I don’t know where I put the bottle and I don’t know what’s in it.
I can’t deal with how I feel if I don’t feel anything. I want to feel some goddamn pain, maybe cry a little, maybe write a silly poem. I guess I never had to deal with this before, so I reverted to an old habit. GREAT, so now what? Shouldn’t I be having crazy mood swings where I am like laughing about a comic and then calling up a friend in tears Shouldn’t I be crying onto some picture of Nora and I together, or some lame bullshit like that?
I think I should. But I don’t really care. How do I make myself care? I know I should.
03 January, 2009
02 January, 2009
There are a lot of qualities that I really admire in a person, and I have very few of them. It’s about time I became the person I wish I were.
I need to watch what I say more, and basically just speak less. I should curse less too. Obviously, I should keep trying for more discipline and better time-management. I want to get fit. Partly to look better naked, but mostly to ensure that I will live healthily into middle and old age.
I will start running, three days a week, to help my heart grow strong and begin the process of making my body permanently healthy. Once that is going strong, I’ll head over to the reuse center to get a bench and some weights. It’s pretty cool because you can get full weight-training sets (complete with barbells and dumbbells) for like $15 there. That will help me look good naked and generally feel better about myself.
I’ll also start eating well. I’ll have to, to start working out, but also I should make an effort to. Again, that will make me feel better about myself. Taking care of myself, etc.
If I do that, I will feel clean and good, which will help me do my schoolwork.
Perhaps I’ll start going to the temple again on Wednesday evenings, as well. That would help me in so many ways. Among other things, it would help me practice right speech. Plus, it would be good for me to go through the humility of relearning the chants.
Breaking up with Nora has made me realise that I’ve really slowed down my attempts to improve myself. I think going out with her made me too secure in who I was. If I had self-esteem issues, that sort of feeling would be helpful, but I don’t, so it takes me in the wrong direction.
There are some things I did very diligently before I started going out with Nora, and when we started dating, I stopped doing them. I don’t think I ever even mentioned them to her. Like going to watch the sunrise from my favorite spot. I used to do that at least once a week, and now I haven’t done it in years. What happened to that?
I need to get back on track. Until now, my post-breakup thoughts had mainly been musings about finding another girlfriend, but I need to put that to rest, and build up a stronger self before I start that. I mean, yeah, time and rebounds, yeah, I know that, and I’m not stupid enough to do anything, but that was mainly what I thought about. I have this hole all of a sudden and I want to fill it—I feel like that’s pretty natural. Don’t worry though, I think I’ll leave it empty for at least a medium while.
29 December, 2008
It will be cool when people get back
I’d really like to hang out with someone, even over the phone. But everybody is always busy. I wish someone would call me. Interrupting people’s movies and bar visits is getting old.
The railroad bulls are blind
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains there's a land that's fair and bright
Where the handouts grow on bushes and you sleep out every night
Where the boxcars are all empty and the sun shines every day
On the birds and the bees and the cigarette trees
Where the lemonade springs where the bluebird sings
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains
Where the handouts grow on bushes and you sleep out every night
Where the boxcars are all empty and the sun shines every day
On the birds and the bees and the cigarette trees
Where the lemonade springs where the bluebird sings
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains
28 December, 2008
27 December, 2008
Okay nevermind
After a good-night’s rest (actually I’m not sure that I slept at all) I feel a lot worse.
I need to be careful about how I handle this. My natural response is to figure out a way to never go through this again, but the only way to do that is to never get attached to someone again. That isn’t a road I should go down.
Now would probably be a good time to go back to my Buddhist practice. I can’t think of a more effective way to clear myself of attachments, and that is probably the best thing to do.
Man, dangit, I mean, dang, you know? Ugh.
I need to be careful about how I handle this. My natural response is to figure out a way to never go through this again, but the only way to do that is to never get attached to someone again. That isn’t a road I should go down.
Now would probably be a good time to go back to my Buddhist practice. I can’t think of a more effective way to clear myself of attachments, and that is probably the best thing to do.
Man, dangit, I mean, dang, you know? Ugh.
Dang man.
So Nora and I are breaking up. This is my first time ever going through this. I don’t know what to do, really.
I don’t feel very bad, because I know things will end up fine. I mean, we still like each other etc, and I mean all it takes is some time to heal this, and either we’ll start going out again or I’ll find someone else. Of course it’ll end all right.
You know that feeling you get when you know you’re missing something? That nagging sensation? Yet you’re unable to put your finger on what you don’t have. That is exactly how I feel right now. Exactly.
That said, I’m sure I have some really hard nights ahead of me.
I hope this heals quickly, as opposed to, you know, slowly.
I don’t feel very bad, because I know things will end up fine. I mean, we still like each other etc, and I mean all it takes is some time to heal this, and either we’ll start going out again or I’ll find someone else. Of course it’ll end all right.
You know that feeling you get when you know you’re missing something? That nagging sensation? Yet you’re unable to put your finger on what you don’t have. That is exactly how I feel right now. Exactly.
That said, I’m sure I have some really hard nights ahead of me.
I hope this heals quickly, as opposed to, you know, slowly.
23 December, 2008
Internet rules?
Are there any websites that cover basic guidelines for websites? I mean, I know there's w3.org, but they are a bit techy. And I'm not talking about rule 34 and rule 1, etc. on ED either.
I mean basic rules like “content areas of your website should have a white background with black text, and links should be blue and underlined.” “Never require any information about a user unless your site contains features that only make sense for individual users, or your website is a porn site.” “Do not use a sitemaker program—learn html it is easy.” “etc.”
If there aren’t any, I might make one. See if anybody notices.
I mean basic rules like “content areas of your website should have a white background with black text, and links should be blue and underlined.” “Never require any information about a user unless your site contains features that only make sense for individual users, or your website is a porn site.” “Do not use a sitemaker program—learn html it is easy.” “etc.”
If there aren’t any, I might make one. See if anybody notices.
21 December, 2008
20 December, 2008
To page this person, press 5
When you call my phone, you will no longer hear that. Unfortunately, you will still hear “Please leave a message after the tone. When you are finished recording, hang up, or press 1 for more options.”
Man, removing the page thing was a hassle, and it wasn’t even the bulk of the message. I had to go to a menu item under administration called “cut through paging” or something and I disabled paging completely. If only there were a way to disable the message. That is all I waaaant!
Man, removing the page thing was a hassle, and it wasn’t even the bulk of the message. I had to go to a menu item under administration called “cut through paging” or something and I disabled paging completely. If only there were a way to disable the message. That is all I waaaant!
19 December, 2008
New phone update
Who knew you could just go to AT&T and just ask for a different phone and they would give you a different one? I changed it out for the much more beautiful Pantech Breeze, which is a phone designed for the elderly and handicapped.
Think about it—this means it must have a great user-interface and good sound quality. These are all I care about!
Anyway my new phone’s current name is Francis McDrunk. If things go well over the next couple weeks I will upgrade it to Francis McPatrick.
Think about it—this means it must have a great user-interface and good sound quality. These are all I care about!
Anyway my new phone’s current name is Francis McDrunk. If things go well over the next couple weeks I will upgrade it to Francis McPatrick.
My new phone
Based on reviews I've read and the 10 minutes I've spent poking around on the phone, its current name is Fuckface McDrunk. If it surprises me and does well, I will upgrade its name. If it surprises me by going lower than my already-low expectations, I will downgrade its name. Otherwise, go ahead and call me and you will hear me talking on Fuckface McDrunk.
I have to get a new phone :(
I really like this old phone. It has served me very well and has never failed at the simple, most important task of allowing me to talk to people who are not physically close to me.
Phone, you have never waivered in doing a good job. You are falling apart, yet your battery is good as ever. You get wonderful reception all the time (even sometimes in Jesse’s basement). You do not force me to have a stupid instructional phrase at the end of my voice mail, informing people that they can page me by pressing 5.
Phone, you are practical. You are everything anyone could want in a phone, and nothing else. Your internet connection sucks, your camera sucks, your features suck. This is nice, because it does not distract me from your actual purpose (you are a phone, not a game boy).
You have an antenna that I can pull out. New phones do not. I don’t know why—maybe they are obsolete now. But I still like being able to have control over the reception.
Please give a moment of silence (5–10 seconds) for my wonderful phone.
I will get a new phone later today. I hope it serves me as well as you have. Even if it does, I will not forget the two years of quality service that you have given to me.
Yours,
Matt
Phone, you have never waivered in doing a good job. You are falling apart, yet your battery is good as ever. You get wonderful reception all the time (even sometimes in Jesse’s basement). You do not force me to have a stupid instructional phrase at the end of my voice mail, informing people that they can page me by pressing 5.
Phone, you are practical. You are everything anyone could want in a phone, and nothing else. Your internet connection sucks, your camera sucks, your features suck. This is nice, because it does not distract me from your actual purpose (you are a phone, not a game boy).
You have an antenna that I can pull out. New phones do not. I don’t know why—maybe they are obsolete now. But I still like being able to have control over the reception.
Please give a moment of silence (5–10 seconds) for my wonderful phone.
I will get a new phone later today. I hope it serves me as well as you have. Even if it does, I will not forget the two years of quality service that you have given to me.
Yours,
Matt
18 December, 2008
Web Design!
You know what feels awesome? Finishing up a page design, throwing it onto browsershots, and finding out that it works perfectly even in internet explorer 5.5! (and 6.0 and 7.0 and 8.0!)
I mean, it is a very simple design, but I have seen many a simple design fail these browsers.
Yaaaay!
I mean, it is a very simple design, but I have seen many a simple design fail these browsers.
Yaaaay!
17 December, 2008
Dieting
So I am looking into dieting. It is kind of fun because basically nowhere is geared toward the type of dieting I want to do (ie I need to eat more, not less). I should be getting 2,000–2,500 calories per day depending on how active I am, and normally I think I get about 1,000. That is very unhealthy!
So yeah, I need to double my food intake somehow. Meaning I am going to start trying to count calories, etc.
Calorie-counting is hard! It’s like, I get a big ten burrito. I don’t know how many calories are in there! Is there a website somewhere where you can just enter in amounts of ingrediants, and it gives you nutrition facts? I mean that would be super.
There are a lot of websites that offer calorie information, but it is based on something someone else filled out. For example, thedailyplate.com says a burrito is 300 calories. I don’t know if you’ve eaten a big ten burrito, but I would guess that there are well over double that amout in a big ten burrito.
Back to how I am unusual in the way I am doing this, it’s fun to see sites that say, like, “How to cut calories out of such and such.” They are everywhere. You never find anything that’s like, “looking for some extra calories? Put 2 lbs. swiss cheese on top of everything you eat!”
Do people really eat so much that they need to watch their calories? I am going to have a hard time making sure that I eat enough. I just find it unfathomable that most people not only eat double what I eat, but probably eat triple what I eat, because they need to cut back on their intake.
The other thing I need to look at is actual nutrition. I think I am going to try to drink 2 cans of ensure per day, so I won’t need vitamins. They will be good snacks in between meals. Also they are 350 calories, so that takes care of one third of my food. They would also cover half of my protein and have a lot of unsaturated fats. They also have a lot of sugar, so I shouldn’t eat a bunch of other sweet things.
I think I should make a huge amount of steel cut oats regularly. Like, in a stock pot. That way I would only need to heat up however much I wanted whenever I wanted it. Oats have like, mad fiber.
I also need to eat vegetables. I think I will eat in the cafeteria a couple times a week, and pile on vegetables when I do. Otherwise, I just need to start buying vegetables and cooking them.
Anyway I’m rambling at this point, so I’ll cut this off.
So yeah, I need to double my food intake somehow. Meaning I am going to start trying to count calories, etc.
Calorie-counting is hard! It’s like, I get a big ten burrito. I don’t know how many calories are in there! Is there a website somewhere where you can just enter in amounts of ingrediants, and it gives you nutrition facts? I mean that would be super.
There are a lot of websites that offer calorie information, but it is based on something someone else filled out. For example, thedailyplate.com says a burrito is 300 calories. I don’t know if you’ve eaten a big ten burrito, but I would guess that there are well over double that amout in a big ten burrito.
Back to how I am unusual in the way I am doing this, it’s fun to see sites that say, like, “How to cut calories out of such and such.” They are everywhere. You never find anything that’s like, “looking for some extra calories? Put 2 lbs. swiss cheese on top of everything you eat!”
Do people really eat so much that they need to watch their calories? I am going to have a hard time making sure that I eat enough. I just find it unfathomable that most people not only eat double what I eat, but probably eat triple what I eat, because they need to cut back on their intake.
The other thing I need to look at is actual nutrition. I think I am going to try to drink 2 cans of ensure per day, so I won’t need vitamins. They will be good snacks in between meals. Also they are 350 calories, so that takes care of one third of my food. They would also cover half of my protein and have a lot of unsaturated fats. They also have a lot of sugar, so I shouldn’t eat a bunch of other sweet things.
I think I should make a huge amount of steel cut oats regularly. Like, in a stock pot. That way I would only need to heat up however much I wanted whenever I wanted it. Oats have like, mad fiber.
I also need to eat vegetables. I think I will eat in the cafeteria a couple times a week, and pile on vegetables when I do. Otherwise, I just need to start buying vegetables and cooking them.
Anyway I’m rambling at this point, so I’ll cut this off.
16 December, 2008
Je dois écrire plus en français
C'est vraiment plus difficile pour moi d'écrire en français, et je pense que je n’utilise pas la meilleure grammaire.
J’ai gagné un “B+” en une de mes classes! Je m'attendais un “C” ou “C+,” donc je suis très heureux à ce moment. Youpi!
J’ai gagné un “B+” en une de mes classes! Je m'attendais un “C” ou “C+,” donc je suis très heureux à ce moment. Youpi!
Ma mère a trouvé mon blog!
C'est en peut bizarre, n'est-ce pas? Je ne sais pas si elle peut lire cette passage (parce-qu'elle est en français, bien-sûr). Salut maman, si vous lisez ceci!
11 December, 2008
Nathan Milstein
I dare you to name for me a single violinist who is greater than Nathan Milstein (you can’t).
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