Toronto

First off, in case I've been unclear, I'm going to a Buddhist retreat in Toronto until Tuesday. That is where I am. Also, some people seem to think I had a horrible time there. I didn't. I loved it there. It was really hard, but that is a very different thing. Bye

DID YOU KNOW! (part 4)

I talked to a man I know (named Fong) who is a sleep expert. By expert I mean that he used to work for Pfizer on sleep medication and has also worked with Henry Ford Sleep Research. So he knows what he's talking about. Today is an educational post about sleep.

Sleep Cycles. It seems like most everyone I talk to knows how these work, but I didn't, and I don't know how much people are faking so they don't seem dumb. I'll explain it, and you can pretend you knew already (or if you knew, congratulations smarty-pants). When you sleep you sleep in several cycles. The first cycle consists of a lot of Deep Sleep, followed by a little REM Sleep. The next cycle has less Deep Sleep, and more REM Sleep. This continues, and the last cycle has a little Deep Sleep, followed by a lot of REM sleep. By the way, Deep Sleep is dreamless sleep that makes you feel rested and refreshed. REM (Rapid Eye Movement) Sleep is where your eyes are moving and you are dreaming. REM Sleep does not make you feel rested. REM Sleep, however, is very important for your ability to learn or remember things.

Anyway, you might be wondering, "How does my body know which cycle is my last cycle to do a little deep sleep and a lot of REM!" The answer is that it doesn't. There is some number of sleep cycles you are supposed to go through, and you will naturally wake up after the last one. If you wake up because of an alarm, or some other exterior happening, chances are you will be losing REM Sleep (think about it mathematically, that makes sense). In other words, you might feel perfectly rested, but you won't be performing your best as your memory and learning abilities will be hampered. Therefore, if you want to be at your best, it's important to get enough sleep.

You might be asking, "How much is enough sleep!" Well, it is different for everyone. But it is mostly known to the public that when you are little, you need a lot of sleep (infants can need 18 hours a day), and as you develop it gradually goes down. When you are an adult, it is 8 hours and 16 minutes, on average (it can be as little as 4 hours, can be as much as 10). Many people think that "adult" means when you stop growing, around 20 years old. However, "adult" actually means when your brain is no longer developing, at more like 35 years old. 20-year-olds typically need 9-10 hours of sleep per night. Now if you are 20 and you are thinking "bullshit I only get 7 and I'm great," then keep a couple things in mind. First off, everybody is different. You don't necessarily fall into the average. Secondly, if you lose REM Sleep, you don't feel more tired. So you might only be losing an insignificant amount of Deep Sleep, but a quite significant amount of REM Sleep.

Anyway to answer the question, "I don't know." I mean, you have to figure it out. What you should do is set a bed time that you will rigourously follow, and see when you wake up each morning. The ideal thing to be doing is going to bed at a time that you know will allow enough sleep, and not setting an alarm. By the way, this means that most college students don't get nearly enough sleep. Not that they don't feel rested, just that their learning abilities are severely hampered. … Yeah.

You might be wondering, "What if I sleep in on the weekends!" Well, this actually is healthy, and makes up for lost sleep during the week. That's right, it actually is. However, it's only healthy compared to not getting enough sleep ever. The healthiest thing is to always get enough sleep. But if you do sleep in on weekends, that does make up for it. Problem is, you're not getting enough REM Sleep during the week. Chances are that during the week is when you actually need it.

Ju prolly wonner, "What if ju take a nap!" Naps do not help. If you need to take a nap, you are not getting enough sleep. Full stop. I was really surprised to learn this. Basically, a typical 20-minute power nap will only be deep sleep, because it's just the beginning of the first cycle. So it feels very restful, but does you no good. I mean, naps aren't bad for you. They are a very nice way to rest or take a break. But they are not at all a substitute for actual sleep. I know, I heard this and I was like, "daaaaang."

I think that covers everything. You can ask a question, and if I know the answer, I will answer it.

Two (2) Things I forgot to write about that happened on the same day

A while ago I went to my cousin's graduation. I had a contest with my mom. "Find a black person." It ended in a draw, because none of the graduating students were black (although a couple looked like it but upon closer inspection they were just tanned). I later asked my cousin "what is up with the lack of black students" and he said "there are a bunch of black students in my class" and I said "why were they not there" and he was like "well it's not like they ever graduate." And I am like "daaaaang."

Also, while eating after the graduation, a couple of the males in my family decided that males were genetically better drivers than women. They expressed this argument and while a couple other males thoughtfully nodded their head, the rest of the males and all the females loudly shot them down and it soon turned into an exciting debate. As neither side had a lick of evidence, I grew bored and interrupted, asking loudly if anybody knew any good jokes (this is my default question that I ask if I can't think of an alternative quickly — it is usually a good question and it moves overall conversation in a direction I like). Immediately, my wonderful brother shouted "I do! Why can't Helen Keller Drive!" It was a beautiful moment. (In case you have not heard this joke, the punchline insists that Helen Keller cannot drive because she is a woman.)

The third, bonus entry is that the newest Super Mega comic is particularly excellent.

The fourth, super deluxe bonus entry is that I finally got a google calendar. If you want to see what I am doing with my life, you can easily click the convenient Google Link™ to the right (it has GOOGLE CALENDAR written on it, you should not miss it).

OH SHIT STINGING NETTLES (part 2)

You'd think that by now I would know how to identify this plant.

Postcardware

I just got a program that called itself postcardware. Apparently this means that if I like it, I should send a postcard saying so. I approve.

Inconvenient Truth

I just saw the movie; everybody ever should see it.

That said, it did leave me with a couple of questions: (1) Gore said they took a sample of some large number of scientific articles and none of them hinted that there was any doubt about global warming being a huge doubt. He did not specify as to what kind of survey. If it was a random sample, then that's all fine, but he didn't say that, he just said "sample." (2) There were a lot of pictures of glaciers over time and it would have the year in the corner. Obviously, the glaciers were much smaller / gone when the year was more modern. I would want to know what time of year it was, though. If the past picture was taken in the winter, and the present picture in the summer, then, well, that accounts for a lot of the difference.

Gore is a smart guy, so I'm sure he's thought of this. But if it wasn't a random sample, and the pictures were taken at different times of year, that would leave a gaping hole for people to to attack him. And it would be a shame if that undermined the clear message of the movie. I'm not going to bother looking it up though. I mean, if it is bogus, then I'm sure it will become clear. If it's not, the movie will be unchallenged, and hey, great.

Yeah but anyway, see the movie. I give it three thumbs up.

No more blood!

The bloodied-up part of my thumbnail just fell off, so now it looks much more normal. It's kind of weird. I'm so used to seeing this big red spot on it and now it looks so bland and boring. Does this mean I want to get another staple-gun and start at square-one? Fuck no.

Tired but ready for the new day

My sleeping schedule is shot to hell.

DID YOU KNOW! (part 3)

Educating article on segregation.

THINGS TO DO TODAY

•   Listen to Tom Waits

Ecstasy

We met a guy on the diag who was probably on ecstasy and he bitch-slapped Brian pretty dang hard. I don't feel like explaining; go read Gynelle's blog.

Hahaha!

So I watched the new Pink Panther last night (with Steve Martin). It was, well, really, really bad. I was thinking back and decided that I haven't seen a worse movie since Riding with Death. Then I remembered Space Mutiny and Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. But the thing is, neither of those were trying to be funny. If a movie is trying to be suspenseful or intense or something like that, and fails, you can laugh at it. When a movie tries to be funny, there is nothing you can do except pick up a magazine and start reading it during the movie (I read a discovery magazine about the Great Depression; I learned a lot!).

Yeah. I think that every time Steve Martin talked in Pink Panther I died a little. I mean, the movie basically used the same joke over and over again, and it wasn't funny the first time. And it also wasn't funny at any other time. Wait, wait, there was one part that I smiled at, actually. If you've seen it, remember the scene where Steve Martin shouts "Newspapers!" and they put up newspapers? And then that happens a few times? And then Steve Martin falls down the steps to the subway? That scene (sans subway) was the best part of the movie. If you haven't seen the movie, you get a THUMBS UP award.

Anyway, my family was all depressed when it was finished, and we were like man we need to do something to finish this day on a good note. We ended up watching the Princess Bride (I like this movie a lot, as does everybody. You like it a lot too). I noticed midway through that the six-fingered man reminded me of Corky from Waiting for Guffman. I said that to my family and they were like "heh yeah there are some similarities." And I was like "no seriously, guys, I think it's the same actor." And they were like "haha shut up Matthew." And then we got to the credits, and who played the six-fingered man? Christopher Guest! I get to add another notch to my "I was right and they were wrong" wall.

P.S. My brother is really getting obsessed with OutKast lately. I mean, the Red Hot Chilli Peppers are a good band (I'm told by people I respect, anyway), so him ruining them for me by playing the same stuff by them nonstop is a little okay. But OutKast? They basically have no songs that could be called good by anybody with reasonable taste. I mean, they suck and I hate them. I want my brother to turn them off. I told him that, and he was like "whatever shut up fag." He didn't say fag, but that is what I imagine in my mind.

Good mood again!

Today was a moody week!

Yeah, lonely it is

You know how when you are hungry, sometimes you don't feel like food? You just feel hungry, but nothing sounds good. It's like that. I hope so, anyway. If it is, then the cure is hanging out with someone. I hope that's it.

Also my parents are talking about how I'm really not doing well. They think I'm asleep, I think. Overhearing these conversations is kinda annoying.

DID YOU KNOW! (part 2)

It isn't really surprising to anybody that women are quicker at picking up emotions than men are. This meaning such as facial expressions (for joy, anger, SO-SAD, etc). What is more interesting is the one very-specific exception. Apparently, men and women are equal at how quickly they pick up anger. Unless the angry person is male, in which men are actually quicker. So men are quicker than women at picking out an angry man. This makes sense, if you think about it. When angry, men are more likely to become violent than an angry woman. Also, men are more likely to kill men than to kill women. So if you are a man, and you are near an angry man, you are probably in more danger than any women nearby.

It's interesting how the male psychology seems to cater more to anger and violence. It makes sense, as men were the hunters and women were the mothers, but it's still fun to read about it when science proves it true. Also, apparently, men have a brain-reaction leading to joy whenever they see a bad guy get his comeuppance. Women do not have this brain-reaction. Heh. We men are just so much more violent than women !

The rudest video on the INTERNET

The RUDEST

Fuck this

Sprint® seems to have trademarked the phrase "Fair & Flexible."

Emotion, what the heck are you?

Man I have some kind of emotion going on right now and I don't even know what it is. I have a feeling (and I'm usually right about this kind of thing, what with it being my emotion) that it's not a happy emotion, and is more toward the depressed end of the spectrum. If it were depression though, I'd say so. I don't really know what it is, and I'd just as soon ignore it. Well, the me from half a year ago would have ignored it. At this point I know better than to ignore my emotions. Still though, I don't really know what's going on, or why it's going on.

As I said, it's definitely not depression. I've been all sorts of depressed, same as any person my age, and I know it well enough to know what it is. But I don't feel bad. Just, I dunno. Dissatisfied. A little unfulfilled. It's like the feeling you get when you just realised that you did something really wrong. Except, I can't for the life of me imagine what that would be.

But it isn't like that. Even though the past couple weeks have been really good, I just feel empty. Hungry, in a way. I feel a kind of loss of hope. Like I'm a failure. Hm. No that's not it. No, it is. Yeah, I feel like a failure. Why? I dunno. No, I don't feel like that. I'd better keep delving into this I guess.

Lonely. Is that it? Could be. Heh. I decide I don't like groups, and then I get lonely. Ah, irony of fate. I don't enjoy hanging out with my friends, yet I get like this when I'm not. I guess I need to find a middle road, eh? Eh.

I miss Gynelle, mostly. I think. Yeah, I miss Gynelle. I haven't hung out with her since December. No wait. January. The night before I left I hung out with her. But since then, it's always been with other people, and that really doesn't count.

Why is it that everybody has time to get together in a group, yet nobody has time to hang out alone? Then again, do I really even enjoy hanging out with one person? I guess it depends on whom. Does it?

I feel like I'm wasting my days. Yeah, that's it. I'm wasting my days. I don't seem to have a purpose. I'm happy when I'm at the temple, because then I'm helping a community grow. When I'm at home, I walk the dog, paint the house, relearn some math, and organise my room. I know that it's all to help me, but for what? What does any of that have to do with any of the things I want to do. What do I even want to do.

I just want to go to school, and be like everybody else. There, I said it. I'm tired of being the guy that's too stupid to go to school. People get flaming drunk every night, and yet they pass enough classes to graduate. I completely fail 100%.

Oh right! It's because I'm special! I'm unique! I'm a late-bloomer! That's it, right! It isn't that I'm a complete idiot, it's because I'm just different! Why didn't I see that before!

Man fuck that, I'm not fooling anyone. A smart person does not go to college and get zeros in every class. In America, the grades range from A through E, or F, as the case may be. In England, they go A through G, including E and F. And then, they have U. U means "Unmarked." It is the teacher's way of saying "why did you even make me go through the trouble of grading this." I didn't "fail" each class. I got a U in each class.

Aw fuck it I'm just tired I'll feel better in the morning.

Follow-up

Okay no more big groups for me. Or at least, not when I can avoid it.

Pickles on Parade

I have to remember that I don't like hanging out with a lot of friends at once. It always sounds like a lot of fun and then I do it and then I come home all unhappy. Although on the other hand, not going to such events would be viewed as "anti-social" and people would start assuming I had circumstances or something. I am not liking this situation. I guess the best thing to do is to just go and not enjoy it and then go home, basically what I am doing.

In case people are wondering why I am not really having get-togethers at my house anymore, by the way, this is why. There is another reason, but that'd just make people feel guilty, and I have no reason to do that. Yeah. I don't really like parties. I like the Night Crew because it involves just a few people going out and basically hanging out. I like being with a few people. But with a lot of people it just gets too, noisy. Noisy isn't the word I'm looking for. Partly I start automatically changing who I am to accommodate the atmosphere. Yeah. I become noisy. That's it. I don't like being noisy, yet I always start doing so when in a big group. And then afterwards I just feel unfulfilled. I don't like going to parties for this reason. I like being in small groups, preferably of two (me and you).

I did get to play a mandolin though, and it was wonderful. I did a shit job at it, but it was so awesome to have a mandolin in my hands again. I really need to save up for a mandolin. That would be a really good idea.

Anyway, I guess from now on I'll just keep going to parties, but I'll probably only come for short periods of time. Or something. I'll probably just keep doing what I'm doing and then make upset posts when I get home. Yeah. That's the plan.

This blog ain't gon' update itself

I need to learn to use a sewing machine. There is a huge hole (actually three of them) in my meditation pants. They are covered up with patches, but the patches are coming off because I hand-sewed them. Well, it's more complicated than that. Basically, if you don't know, with a patch, you need to hem the edges so that it won't fray over time. If you want to do a good job, use a sewing machine. I didn't know that I had to hem them before, so the patches are fraying to nothing. So I need to get new patches (done), hem them (not done), and sew them back on (also not done, but I know how). My mom knows how to use the machine, but we are never in the house at the same time. Does anybody want to teach me how to sew with just a straight stitch (this should be really easy) before this weekend?

Also, things are going really well right now. For me. I've managed to overcome that whole thing now, and everything seems to be falling in place. I am beginning to realise how pessimistic of a person I really am. I always thought of myself as an optimist, but I feel like I'm waiting for myself to fall down and fail at this new method. But the more it works, the more I'm realising that, well, dang, I did it. I'm going to college for sure. I am going to grab it by its horns and kick it.

I'm thinking of getting a membership at the Y. It's cheaper than the CCRB (apparently, Students have to pay now … retarded.), and I'm already familiar with all the equipment I'd use. Hey Josh, if you read this, do you want to co-ordinate this? I'd probably work out Mondays Wednesdays and Fridays, and I'm pretty sure your classes are on not those days, right? Is it even cheaper than the CCRB? It's $26 per month. How much was the CCRB?

I went to allofmp3 and got a bunch of music by ЛенинграД and Звери. I really like the way Russian sounds as a language. A lot more than French, anyway. I am considering doing Russian instead of French, because (a) I like it a lot better and (b) I actually know people who speak Russian. I doubt I will ever spend a significant amount of time in France or Russia, so neither language is more practical than the other. The only reason I'm doing French is because I have a lot of experience with it already. So going into Russian makes all my previous work in French a waste of time, and I'm not eager to do that. I could do French and then try my hand at Russian after college. Or, I could do Russian in college and finish up French after. What do you fellows think?

Honestly, I think it will depend on my schedule. There is one class I want to take and I'll probably go for whichever language fits in best. Speaking of which, I should contact Jennifer Myers to see if the class is scheduled yet. I kind of hope it conflicts with my French class. Heh. Russian would be so much more work. But, to be honest, I just want to do it more. I dislike this kind of situation. Daang. It also looks like Russian requires 4 hours per week of co-curricular activities (French required 80 minutes). So much more work. Yet I still want to. Oh wait. But it looks like Russian only meets four hours per week. I guess it's much smaller than French so it would make sense for it to not have a discussion. I have no idea how I should go about this decision. I hate gut vs logic. I'd try Shoshana's coin thing, but I already know what I want to do. It's what I should do.

Anyway, my room is starting to get organised, and I'm getting better at the violin. Still not enjoying the violin, but I'm getting better as I said. I always feel kind of bitter when I think about my violin. That's no good.

I'm getting back into transliterating Korean Buddhist chants. I found the yebul (예불몬) online in a few places, and they are all the same, and are different than the one the temple gives us. So I'm transliterating it using a romanisation that I made up, because the current ones don't make sense to me. That probably sounds really pretentious. I'm not aiming for that. I don't actually know anything about Korean except the alphabet, and the romanisation offered by the Korean government sucks, while romanisations of the past are insufficient for different reasons. So I combined a few of them to make something that makes a lot more sense to me.

I'm listening to O Brother Where Art Thou. Great.

Pat

I just noticed that my blog is the same style as Pat's blog. Does that make me an asshole?

Great great great!

GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT

Can't sleep!

Actually I changed my mind. I found something that works really well for my problem.

Basically, my real issue is that I get into arguments with myself. As soon as I know the right thing to do, a part of me says "but I don't wanna" and another says "but it's what you should do" and then I go back and forth and eventually one side wins. If my tantrum side wins, I end up wasting time, and if my good side wins, I force myself to do whatever it is.

This is how I've always done things. And that's part of the problem. So I talked to Haju the other day about it and she said to treat my problem like it was a crying baby. I can't ignore the problem or push it away or yell at it, because that'll just make the baby cry more. Instead I have to give it some positive attention and calm it down. So I tried it today when I got up. I saw some clothes that have been on the floor for a couple days.

Voice 1: You really should pick those up
Voice 2: I don't wanna!
Voice 1: Don't worry, it'll be okay, you can pick them up
Voice 2: Okay

And then I did it. And for the first time in my life, I didn't have to force myself. I actually wanted to. This may sound pretty dumb to you, but seriously, for me, that's huge.

And the same thing continued all day, with the same immediate result. And like I said, it isn't a new way of forcing myself to do something, it's actually a way for me to stop being childish and to actually want to do it.

Of course, I should wait a week before I go on about how great it is. Another problem is that whenever I get on a roll, I fall down a couple days later. But if this continues, then shit. I'm ready for college. Shit shit shit! (the good kind of shit)

I am so excited about this right now (which might have something to do with why I can't sleep).

I'm hoping that the computer screen will tire out my eyes, which can't seem to close. Anyway, I will keep this updated on how I do. Right now though, I am pumped! Seriously, I'm a smart guy, and if I can get past my not wanting to work, and get to the point where I always want to work, I will be unstoppable! I will be a lean mean Matt machine! I will be seven dollars! I am seven dollars! I will always be seven dollars! I will love you forever seven dollars!

. . . I wonder what I would be like if I smoked the reefer and then got really tired. You would not want to be around to see that.