As I said, it's definitely not depression. I've been all sorts of depressed, same as any person my age, and I know it well enough to know what it is. But I don't feel bad. Just, I dunno. Dissatisfied. A little unfulfilled. It's like the feeling you get when you just realised that you did something really wrong. Except, I can't for the life of me imagine what that would be.
But it isn't like that. Even though the past couple weeks have been really good, I just feel empty. Hungry, in a way. I feel a kind of loss of hope. Like I'm a failure. Hm. No that's not it. No, it is. Yeah, I feel like a failure. Why? I dunno. No, I don't feel like that. I'd better keep delving into this I guess.
Lonely. Is that it? Could be. Heh. I decide I don't like groups, and then I get lonely. Ah, irony of fate. I don't enjoy hanging out with my friends, yet I get like this when I'm not. I guess I need to find a middle road, eh? Eh.
I miss Gynelle, mostly. I think. Yeah, I miss Gynelle. I haven't hung out with her since December. No wait. January. The night before I left I hung out with her. But since then, it's always been with other people, and that really doesn't count.
Why is it that everybody has time to get together in a group, yet nobody has time to hang out alone? Then again, do I really even enjoy hanging out with one person? I guess it depends on whom. Does it?
I feel like I'm wasting my days. Yeah, that's it. I'm wasting my days. I don't seem to have a purpose. I'm happy when I'm at the temple, because then I'm helping a community grow. When I'm at home, I walk the dog, paint the house, relearn some math, and organise my room. I know that it's all to help me, but for what? What does any of that have to do with any of the things I want to do. What do I even want to do.
I just want to go to school, and be like everybody else. There, I said it. I'm tired of being the guy that's too stupid to go to school. People get flaming drunk every night, and yet they pass enough classes to graduate. I completely fail 100%.
Oh right! It's because I'm special! I'm unique! I'm a late-bloomer! That's it, right! It isn't that I'm a complete idiot, it's because I'm just different! Why didn't I see that before!
Man fuck that, I'm not fooling anyone. A smart person does not go to college and get zeros in every class. In America, the grades range from A through E, or F, as the case may be. In England, they go A through G, including E and F. And then, they have U. U means "Unmarked." It is the teacher's way of saying "why did you even make me go through the trouble of grading this." I didn't "fail" each class. I got a U in each class.
Aw fuck it I'm just tired I'll feel better in the morning.
2 comments:
You know Matt, You really should call me. This weekend is crazy hectic for me... but that's alright, you're only free weekdays, I forgot. Alright. Call me. I can't chill tomorrow or this weekend, but, if I'm able to make time for Dylan, I'm certainly able to make time for you, besides, I'm feeling the same-ish thing you've been feeling. The empty-ishness, the unfullfilled lonelyness... yeah. I don't know what it is for me... I mean, yes I do, I'm hella lonely right now, not for friends, for a relationship, but lets not get into that.
I think a mistake you're making right now is thinking in absolutes. "I always hate large groups" "I Only like hanging out one on one." I think perhaps you need to think more in the moment. There are times when I only like one on one, and there are times when I like large groups... it might be the same with you. Another thing to look at is *why* you get miserable when you're in large groups. A possible reason is the amount of attention that's being paid to you. I'm not saying you're an attention whore. Everyone likes attention sometimes. I'm just wondering if maybe you feel... ignored in large groups? And that might be why you don't like them. In one on one situations you can talk with someone, and know they're listening. In large groups, that's not the case, people can be conversing with you, and then get easily distracted and forget the conversation? I don't know. It's probably none of my business. Just a theory though.
You want to go to school... you're critisizing yourself for the fact that you failed your classes. Matt, I'm going to be honest with you, and of course, I don't have the right to say this, because well, you know, I'm not you, and don't have insight to your brain, but, this is my perception of the whole situation.
The problem with your college experience last year was that you went into the situation saying "Man, I am going to change SO much. I'm going to go through signifigant changes because that's what college does!" And you were so prepared to change... I think you convinced yourself you were going to go through massive changes to the point where you forced them upon yourself.
What I mean is this: You went through high-school fairly easily, You worked for your grades yes, but you never struggled horribly.
Now, when you got to college, your friendships didn't change too drastically. Simon was gone, but, you had Kate Wakefeild, Garnet, Anneka, Tom, Josh, and hell, you were rooming with Wilson. So, socially, the changes were small, and you were expecting BIG changes.
I'm not saying you failed your classes on purpose, to make a change, I'm simply saying you were looking for a change, and you got one, in a very unexpected way.
As for the late bloomer theory. I just don't see it. I mean, you've always done alright in school, and you were the most logical thinking and mature person I ever knew. Ever. I don't see the late bloomer thing. But this is just my observation, you can always trash it. It might be utter crap, you know?
Anyhow, Matt. I don't know if any of this makes sense, it's kinda late, and I have no place in telling you what you're feeling or thinking...
I would delete this really long comment, but I kinda want to know how you react to it.
Love you Matt. And again, all of this is really none of my business. So... sorry.
Heh. You guys get it, but you also don't, I think. But right now I'm in a good mood, and I don't really want to spoil it by going over all this. But I'm not revoking the late-bloomer, and I still think that my completely failing all my classes was what I would have done no matter what my attitude was before college.
Gynelle, how about you call me this afternoon/evening/afterschool. I don't know when I'd reach you, is why I don't call.
Josh, yeah, I hope I'm learning.
Post a Comment