I dunno

What I'm considering at this point is a kind of combination of options. If you don't know what I am talking about and don't want to find out, fuck you.

I think part of it is that I try to be who I was and all, and that ain't right. So I think anyone I hang out with me is either going to have to adjust who they think I am, or not, depending on whether it's worth bothering to maintain our friendship.

I mean, it isn't like you guys haven't changed at college or something. Why is this even bothering me. Anyway, I don't think I'm going to interact much socially from now on though. Even though it isn't true, it feels like all my friends are strangers and I'm a stranger to all my friends, and while there's nothing wrong with re-meeting them and re-building friendships, I am not really in the right frame of mind to do that.

While I was at the temple, I wasn't depressed and I wasn't even thinking about this. I was always content and at peace with whatever, and now I'm back and with my friends I feel all crummy. It probably isn't fair to relate the two, but at least I will try it. If anybody wants to hang out with me, then I guess I'd still do it and all, but as mentioned earlier, I'm different and probably not much fun. Anyway, the couple times I started to talk about this to my friends, they pretty much brushed it off, which makes it somewhat clear to me that I'm on my own here. I mean, I don't want to be all "HEY DO YOU WANT TO HANG OUT WITH ME AND HELP ME DEAL WITH MY SHIT" as if nobody else has problems.

But then I wonder if that's foolish, and you need friends to solve problems. Or was this problem created by friends? I don't know. I need to figure things out, and, for now, I won't make any effort to talk to people anymore. Yeah. At least it makes sense to me why it's worse with closer friends. (Because closer friends knew me better and on a deeper level, whereas people like Anneka (who I had barely any trouble hanging out with, by the way) never knew me all that well, so adjusting is easy.)

Anyway, if you want to hang out with me, be warned, it'll be disappointing, and I will make no effort to make it seem like I am the person who left. Is this a backward cry saying "HANG OUT WITH ME"? I'm not actually sure, is the honest answer. I don't know if I want to hang out with a bunch of good friends that will listen to me and have great advice, or if I really just want to be alone. I don't know what I want to happen. So there is not really a right answer (or a wrong answer) for how to respond to this (or not respond to it, as the case may be). Do whatever you think is right.

As an afterthought, the worst part for me is I hear about a lot of people having similar problems, or worse problems. Typically a lot worse. So I kind of feel like I'm being a whiny little bitch about this, and I should shut up. Half of me is saying "No Matt! Your friends care about this!" and the other half is saying "Matt everybody is going to read this and think you are a self-centred whiny little bitch and they will think that because it is true because that is what you are being if you write this" so I've come up with a compromise which is that this is my blog and what is the point of a blog if not to be self-centred. That is supposed to be rhetorical, please do not answer that question. Anyway, with a blog, people that read it can think whatever they want, so it's less of my problem. I'm not about to start calling someone and being all "Talk to me and deal with my shit!" but if you read this it's your own fault. Good enough compromise.

Anyway thanks Garnet and Josh, and sorry Josh for mostly ignoring your advice. I know for myself that your advice is probably wiser than what I'm doing, but, to be honest, I'm tired of dealing with this right now and I think I need a break from it. How long that break is depends on a few things. I shouldn't need to spell them out.

One thing that hasn't changed is that I still say a little with a lot of words. Everything I say is a stream of thoughts pretty much, so that makes sense I guess, as thoughts are repetitive. If you don't want to read all that here is a summary: Wait no I'm not going to make a summary if you don't want to read all that then seriously why are you at this website go somewhere fun.

As a postscript, Anneka, if you read this, it doesn't mean I won't give you InDesign. Let me know when you want it and I'll get it to you.

I'm not completely cutting myself off. I already did that, and it did me wonders. I'm just kind of half-withdrawing, and I expect that will lead to an almost-complete withdraw anyway. We'll see. I have to go, bye.