Ellipses

The ellipsis, unlike the dash, should almost always have spaces on either side (and also in between periods if you aren't using a special ellipsis glyph—this . . . vs. this …).  The exception is with parentheses, dashes, and quotes.  Also, when quoting something that already has ellipses in it, you should enclose your ellipses in hard brackets like so: […].

If you leave out the end of a sentence, odd as it looks, you are to put your period a space away from the ellipsis … .  Here's how you start a sentence with an ellipsis.  … And here's the part you didn't leave out.

My own personal taste is that in both of those cases, you may as well put the ellipses in hard brackets, just so it looks more like a single entity, and not just four periods.

Slainte!

An important question of differences

What is the difference between having a good thick moustache, and being a superhero?

If I knew the answer to that, I wouldn't be here.

The hyphen, en dash, and em dash

So I just learned about the three types of dashes.  In handwriting, it was a sort of unwritten rule about the uses of short, medium, and long dashes.  But then typesetting came into being, and we now have different names for each dash.

The Hyphen

The hyphen is the shortest of the three and is way overused.  It has three functions.  In writing, it combines two words.  In math, it is the minus sign.  It also serves to join a series of numbers, like a phone number.  For example:

Risk-taker.
5-3=2
555-5555
Nineteenth- and twentieth-century.

You can find it on a qwerty keyboard between 0 and =.

The En Dash

The en dash is so named because it is typeset to the width of a lowercase n, longer than the hyphen.  It is designated for a range, but can also be used in place of a hyphen if there is already a hyphen present.  For example:

Non–risk-taker.
Pages 23–48.
July 29–August 12

On a mac, it is the same key as the hyphen, but press option.  On a pc, good luck.

The Em Dash

The em dash is the width of a capital M, about twice as long as the en dash.  It is similar to parentheses most of the time.  Think of it as an interruption.  It is also used in dialogue to indicate an actual interruption.  For example:

On the 12th—the day of the invasion—we will leave before dawn.

“Hey man, all I'm saying is—”
“I don't care what you're saying!”

On a mac, it is once again the hyphen key, but with shift-option.  Once again, on a pc, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Rules

Never put a space next to any kind of dash, with only one exception.  Look at the last hyphen example.  This is called a “hanging hyphen” and is totally cool.  Otherwise, never put spaces around dashes or hyphens.  People who do that are considered to be wrong.

If you are in a situation where you can only use hyphens, use a hyphen in place of an en dash, and use two hyphens in place of an em dash.

Education!

History of &

Did you know that & is from the Latin "et"?  The upper loop is a lower case e, all with the line going down and to the right.  The line going up and right used to always have a horizontal line at the tip.  This went out of fashion in the age of the typewriter, kind of like how $ used to have two lines.

So yeah, that makes me like & a lot more.  Incidentally, did you know that $ was born from US?  The U was written over the S, and people eventually stopped writing the bottom part of the U, making it two vertical lines.  Then that was too hard for typewriters, so it became one vertical line.

MAGIC

Also, Molly!

Molly gets back in a week!  Molly gets back in a week!  Molly gets back in a week!

Is it okay when people type "tixx" instead of "tickets"?

(no)

Heh.

I'll know that I am famous when I get junk messages advertising me naked.  So anyway I got Linux working on my mac.  It is an unofficial PowerPC release of Ubuntu 8.04 (Hardy Heron).  It is unofficial because Ubuntu stopped supporting PowerPC a while ago.  And, since I have a PowerPC computer, I don't have much of a choice there.  I'm glad though—I can use OS 9 programs on my mac, and mactels cannot do that.  I'm going to be very sad when I can't play the Fool's Errand anymore.

That's all I feel like writing about right now.

My newest junk message…

Subject:   :)
From: Current Brackeen

Hey,

Fuck beer! Got sexy girl?
Click here [link excluded because it is probably a virus made for idiots]

ugh

Why do spammers think that I want discounts on "w4tches"?  I mean, do they know anything?  At all?

Dual OSX-Linux project

I am tired of not having Linux and not knowing how to use Linux so I am going to get Linux and install it on my laptop.  This will be more than a little cumbersome, because I will have to back up everything, erase and partition the hard drive (I'll probably give Linux 20GB), clean install macosx, and then linux.

Right now I'm looking most favorably at Ubuntu, but also a little at Yellowdog and Gentoo.  This will take some research, because I don't want to fuck up my computer.

I'll keep you updated, I guess.

Alucard Coat

So the coat is almost finished, I am going to go in tomorrow to try it on to make sure she got it right before she stitches it back up.

Exciting!

Man I don't think I'm going to be able to not wear this coat a lot.

Junk mail

I keep getting a junk message with the subject "what a stupid face you have here lachancem". I am Matt LaChance and I approve this message.

Internet Explorer

I don't understand the idea of Internet Explorer.  It is not standards-compliant, it doesn't even support .png picture transparency, and it is hard as the dickens to code for.

It's like, if you want to make a beautiful website these days, you have to actually make two beautiful websites, where one of them is coded for Internet Explorer and the code itself makes a lot less sense.  If you are reading my blog with Internet Explorer, you yourself and me a favor and download Firefox.  It's faster, it is standards-compliant, and it will let you look at every web page.

I mean, Safari has its flaws but at least it obeys the W3C standards.  As a web designer, Internet Explorer is so frustrating, I hate it I hate it I hate it.

I am seriously considering not letting anyone using IE use wikifriends.  Like if someone tries there will be an error message that tells them I hate them and they should switch browsers.

iClip

Okay, so for a while now I've been thinking to myself, wouldn't it be great if you could copy and paste more than one thing at a time?  I mean, the copy-paste feature has been around longer than I've been alive, so you'd think it would be improved, especially in macs, where they are always trying to improve things like this.

Well I just discovered iClip, and it might become the next Quicksilver in how I use my computer (i.e. I will become a lot faster and start really missing this feature on every other computer I use).  It does cost $30 though, which is a pity.  I mean, if it's as useful as I think it will be, I won't have a problem with paying $30, but I hope it lets you put it on multiple computers, or I'm going to have to choose between my computer at work and at home.  I'm not paying $60.

You crazy cats have fun, bye.

Cane?

Vote!  Should I buy a classy cane?

I am actally serious about this.  You see, I have always wanted a classy cane, but I don't want people to think I am trying to look like a pimp.  I don't want a pimp cane, I want a classy cane. Are they the same thing?  Help me out here.

Nora's back

I should probably be really excited or at least relieved, but I actually just feel normal, like she was never gone.  It's like the last 5 months just disappeared.  Crazy.

Music

I should get back into listening to music.  Music is pretty cool, you know?

It's tricky to rock a rhyme to rock a rhyme that's right on time it's TRICKY!  tr-tr-tr-tricky tricky trrrrrrrricky!

Relationship! Relationship!

So Nora got back into the States yesterday, and she'll be in Ann Arbor late Sunday night. Last night we had a long conversation and that was cool. I'd say that I can't wait to see her, but I have to wait and I will wait (because I have to). I kind of feel bad in advance for how much I am going to not spend time with friends over the next week or so (sexsexsexsexsexsex).

Also I finally caved into the gaming world and bought a wii. I should set that up in Nora's house, you know for the summer. Oh and I don't think I ever mentioned that Jesse got me a Playstation (an original one) for my birthday. And I just got Tony Hawk Pro Skater 2 (hell yeah!). Looks like I will finally start playing video games.

In my math class I am currently getting 100% on everything ever. I am putting a lot of effort into the class, but also the professor is very easy. These are the combinations that lead to perfect scores. It looks like I'm going to have my first good grade in a while. And it's gonna be a very good grade. So heythatsnice.

I've been thinking a lot about my future. Lucky for me, the skills I have (programming, math) are skills that people will pay me a lot of money for. So I don't think money is going to be much of an obstacle once my life gets going. I mean, right now I've got a $15/hour webmastering job on a high school education with no related experience, and part-time. That's really nice for me.

But I want to do good in the world. Remember my plan to unite all countries in peace and end war? I still want to do that. But I don't know how. I don't have any idea where to begin, and as I develop a career and start a family, I'm not going to have time. I'm going to turn into an upper-middle-class dad who puts a couple more upper-middle-class children into the world and eventually retires and plays golf or something.

I feel like I'm at a crossroads of some sort, only instead of having to choose between two available paths, I already know which one I want to choose, but I can't figure out how to get to it. The path I'm on and the path I want to be on do not intersect at a crossroads, not that I can tell. What do I do in this situation?

I feel pretty pessimistic and hopeless about all this. And if you know me, you know that I'm a very optimistic person. I don't like being pessimistic. It doesn't suit me. Not at all.

Thanks for dropping by,
Matt

Regular Expressions!

I just learned regular expressions and successfully replaced every phone number formatted like this:

###-###-####

with the same phone number but formatted like this:

(###) ###-####

and all I had to do was search for (\d\d\d)-(\d\d\d)-(\d\d\d\d) and replace it with ($1) $2-$3 and bang zoom done!

Also to clarify my previous post, I was unconsciously rubbing my eyebrows, and then I noticed all these little hairs on the table, so I kept rubbing my eyebrows and SO MANY HAIRS BECAME ON THE TABLE

my eyebrows

I just picked out like ten billion eyebrow hairs.

No promises

Right now I have the full intention of going back to writing here. It does me good to write for an audience, whether or not I have one, you know? It's more fun than writing in a journal. Plus, Molly reads this, and that is pretty cool.

So I bought a wii a couple days back. It should arrive in the mail any time now. It was a pretty good deal—mario galaxy, wii games, wii sports, carnival games, zelda twilight princess, two wiimotes, two nunchucks, a classic controller, battery packs and a charger for the wiimotes, memory card, and an actual wii, for $400. I'm told that that is at leas $100 less than I would normally pay for such things. So yeah, the Sylvan house now has a wii. I still need to get Brawl, but that can wait. If anything I'll play Brawl at Jesse's house with my memory card.

When I get it probably the first thing I will do is get Mario 64 on the virtual console, because that shit is bumpin'.

I finally got a key at my job, so now I don't need to ask people to let me into places. Dang, they just trust me so much here, it's so different from the cafeteria, where Sue won't even let there be a dedicated captain key.

Yesterday I fell off my bike for the first time I can ever remember doing that. I didn't get hurt, but my jeans did. I've got some sewing to do this weekend! Yeah but anyway I didn't get at all hurt, but it was bizarre. I fell off and was just like, "wait what? Is this real? Is this ... possible?" I was just kind of confused I guess.

Jesse is finally showing me Avatar episodes, and they are very cool. Good show, A+.

I am feeling good about my own life. Less so about the rest of the world, but hey if I like my own life that's something. If everybody genuinely liked their lives, there wouldn't be much for me to dislike about the world, you know?

Ta!
Matt

Updates?

I am waiting until I actually feel good about myself and my life before I go back to updating.  Right now I mostly feel down, and I don't like writing about that.  I'd write about how happy I am, but however easy that is to talk about, I'm just not up for writing it.  But do you remember when this blog was kind of fun (if only for me)?  Let's bring that back.

But I'm not going to lie about how I feel here either, so we'll both have to wait.

Also, Gynelle my email address is lachancem at gmail dot com.

I feel terrible

I just spent the past 30 minutes curled up under my desk, and now I have a headache and I feel terrible.  I might sleep in my closet tonight.  That never makes me feel better when I'm really feeling bad, but at least I actually get to sleep.

By the way, today was really not a good day.  And now I have to swallow it and pretend I'm having fun all day tomorrow for my birthday.  I just do not want to deal with that right now.

I am going to start updating regularly!

(haha fooled you)

Hey, maybe I'll get back into this

I kind of like blogging, so maybe I'll start doing it again.  Why not, you know?

I am experimenting with habit-forming.  Do you know about the ideas that it takes 21 days to make a habit?  I think that's pretty cool.  More on this in 21 days.

Right now, I am a little tired I guess.  Saying that I miss my girlfriend is kind of needless I guess.  In a way, I feel like the best way to handle it is to bottle it up.  I mean, bottling things up is a great way to make the pain go away, and it makes everybody around you think you're fine.  But nothing goes away forever until you deal with it, and I guess it's easier to do it one day at a time now than all at once later.  Sigh.

How are you?  I have letters that I need to write, but that can wait until after my exam on wednesday.  In econ, we're starting on game theory.  I love on that stuff.

But really, how are you?

Matt 

This is just a test

RIAA

Finally!

It's about time!  One of my long-time problems with macs has been that they do not come with an alarm clock program, and every alarm clock on the internet costs money.  Not anymore.

This program offers a lot of control, and even wakes your computer up from being asleep.  It also is a menu-bar program, so it is completely not disruptive.  Pretty cool, pretty great.  Mac users, download this if you do not have an alarm clock (like me)

Best procession of cars

The Schaufelradbagger
The Killdozer
Optimus Prime
The A-Team van
Time travel Delorian
Popemobile
Batmobile
The Magic School Bus
Oscar Meyer Weinermobile
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

What am I missing?

Nine Inch Nails

is pretty good music. I am listening to the album Year Zero, and I'm surprising myself by liking it so much. It's really dissonant, which I like. I also found a bunch of stuff by Desert Planet, who makes video-game-esque music, and it is incredible.

If you never gave them (him?) a listen, try it out. Maybe you'll like it.

Third post

I forgot to add a person on my list.  Myself.  I like myself a lot.  And you know what, if I had to choose between having every person hate me but me liking me, and every person loving me but me hating me, that choice would easily be the former.

No question.  I'm pretty cool, and I know that.  I don't think many other people know that, and I feel bad about that I guess, but hey, at least I have me.

Night

Tonight

You probably missed the post I just made, scroll down and read it first.

Anyway, I don't know what to do with my dislike of alchohol.  I just sighed, just now, in real life.  I just did it two more times because it felt really good.  Anyway, I don't like being around drunk people (I say drunk for lack of a better word to say "people who have had any alchohol", I hate the word tipsy).  When someone drinks, they go from interesting to boring before my eyes.  I suddenly don't want to be around them, because I simply don't have time for such a person.  I could be wasting time on the internet, which is way more fun.

But that isn't why I hate it.  That's just a side reason.  The person I really hate is myself.  I try to ignore it, and I get half-drunk myself, except worse, because I am also sober.  I hate every thing that I do, and I hate every stupid word that my mouth says.  I try to fit in, and I try to have fun.  Where's the harm in that?  I don't know, but there is harm there, somehow.

There's harm because I'm not being myself.  I said a couple posts ago that I pride myself in not conforming to anything.  A far better way to say that is that I pride myself in being myself exactly.  No secrets, no acting, just me.  I go to a job interview and I do a bad job, because I don't give correct answers; I give my answers.

If there is anything that I really hate, it is when I stop being myself, and when people start drinking, I get as drunk as they, laughing and talking.  And I feel disgusting.  I loath every inch of my disgusting body and every noisy breath that esacpes it.

I always leave parties early because I cannot stand myself.  I always leave, depressed and very, very alone.

Just now, I left a party, and now I am depressed, and of course very, very alone.  I want to hang out with Molly, to be honest, because I like her and I know she is herself, but she's having fun with everyone, and a good friend wouldn't try to take her from that.  I'd call Jesse, but I don't think he'd really care.  Maybe we'd have a satisfyingly angry discussion about alchohol, but what good would that do.

Really, I want to hang out with Simon.  The one man that I can hug naturally.  But you know, he's at MSU.

Every time I hear footsteps go by my door, I hope it's someone, anyone to hang with me.  But no one ever really visits me.  People like the food I give them, and I have a nice sound system and comfy futon for watching movies.

Secret after secret, here's another inside look at me.  I don't think anybody really likes me.  Now that isn't true.  There are a few people that I honestly think do genuinely like me.  To list them, Gynelle, Nora, Simon, my parents, and maybe, maybe Jesse.

In case you aren't on that list and think you should be on it, no, that is a complete list.  I actually think that every person not on that list thinks I'm annoying, and puts up with me because I'm not that bad.  Am I wrong?  Probably.  I hope I'm wrong.  But logic can never truly change the way you feel, you know?

I just feel so god damned alone right now.  Most people think I'm doing well, because I say I'm doing well.  Why do I say I'm doing well when I'm not?  To answer your [my] question with another question, would you tell someone you knew didn't care about you that you were depressed?  Fuck no you wouldn't.  No matter what they said, you would know that really, they didn't care.

See, that is how I feel.  Ugh, I feel so emo or whatever.  I mean really, I'm not all that bad or anything and nothing bad is happening to me.  I just feel like a balloon that is way too full of air or helium or whatever, ready to burst.  Moreover, I feel like that balloon has just been bouncing off of pin after pin, somehow never popping.

Does it ever end?  Do I ever get actually happy?  Heh, I guess not.  That's for the perfects.  I just need to learn to be content with how I feel.  I need to sit down and do some god damned suffering.  That would do me some good.  I just sighed two more times.

I'm rereading this post now.  It is amazing what I can learn about myself just from typing and not stopping.  Do I feel better?  No, of course not, not at all.  I am still lonely, and I still think that most of my close friends only put up with me because they don't hate me.

Worst of all, I know that no one is going to knock on my door tonight, but I am going to lay awake waiting for it to happen anyway.

My life is awesome.  Someday, I will truly appreciate how awesome it is, but for now, I will continue to settle for simply knowing that it is awesome.

By the way, if you read this super-long post, and want me to believe that you like me, all you have to do is talk with me.  Have a serious conversation.  Tell me your problems and insecurities.  Tell me what you like, and what you think is pretty cool.  Share yourself with me.  If you didn't like me, you wouldn't do that, and I know it.

Tonight, I think will be the first night in a long time that I cry myself to sleep.  Getting rid of toxins is pretty cool though, so if you feel bad for me, don't.  Dollars to donuts your problems are worse then mine, especially since I'll be getting rid of toxins in a few short minutes!

I just sighed a few more times.  Sighing feels great.  Try it

Why do I have a blog?

I have a blog to give myself a way to talk to myself.  When I say "dear reader," I talk to myself, as I intend this to be read by me, and only by me.  I know that other people read this (Gynelle, Molly, and Nora), but it doesn't really make a difference to me.

I guess what I am saying is that I am writing all this for me.  I don't really assume that any of you care about what is going on in my head, but if you are reading, you probably do (that or you're bored and none of your webcomics are updated yet).  But, even if I had no readers, I would write this exactly as I do, because I don't really care if anybody reads it.

If you read this, know that you are reading exactly what is going on in my head, and nothing more or less.  When I write here, I understand myself better, and learn about who I am.  It is exciting for me.

I hope any readers other than yours truly enjoy this blog, or at least, I hope you end up glad you read it.  As an old answering machine message of mine once said, "it may give you an insight into the mind of a madman."

If you are reading this, you are my friend.  And I love you for caring about me enough to take this time.  I hope that some day you will tell me about your life and your thoughts (I won't read your blog, I don't have time).  I'd ask you, but I'm shy.  Don't you be afraid to ask me either.  Anything is better than a god-damned blog.

Thank you for reading this.  If you are reading right as I post it, be sure to wait a little while, I'm about to write another.  I guess this post is an intermission for me to say thank you.  As I said, I love you, you wonderful person.  Good night.

Pretty cool

Matt Steele just told me that I am someone who doesn't conform to anything at all.  That is pretty much what I go for, so that is pretty much the best compliment I have gotten in a long ass-time.

I feel really good about that.  I am glad people think of me as my own person and not a cookie-cutter anything.  It is times like these that you just feel really good.

I hope I get photoshop soon, so I can go back to comic posts.  More fun for me, more fun for you.

Love,
Matt

Sharpen your teeth, or lay flat.

Welp, here goes nothing.

Parfois j'aimerais disparaître

et actuellement ça est ce que je veux

qu'est-ce que je devrais faire?

En plus, toute mon angoisse existentielle sera en français, parce que personne qui lit ce blog ne comprend le français.

Je t'embrasse très fort,
Matt

happy new year

I hope my computer doesn't crash when it changes to 2008, like all those computers back in 2000

Christian values

So many Christian values are good. So many of them! Yet they pollute themselves with terrible ones at the same time? Why?

I went to Catholic mass today, as always when my Grandma is over on a Sunday. The reading today was Ephesians something, and here is the wisdom that it had to offer:

Wives should be subordinate to their husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is head of his wife just as Christ is head of the church, he himself the savior of the body. As the church is subordinate to Christ, so wives should be subordinate to their husbands in everything.

This makes me angry. Yes I know it is in the bible and the bible is kept intact to preserve tradition (actually, even the Torah we know today is less than 2000 years old, but most people don't know that, so never mind). So keep the bible intact! Whatever! But why do we read passages like this DURING CHURCH, when there are impressionable children all over the place? Why do we read them EVER?

My dad told me that Christians like to put a modern spin on things like this. So, "Wives should be subordinate to their husbands" actually means "Wives should obey their own inner nature." Sorry dad, and sorry to any proponents of this idea, but "Wives should be subordinate to their husbands" is plain English, and is perfectly clear in meaning. If the bible meant your translation, why doesn't it say that, and much more importantly, WHY DON'T YOU READ THAT IN CHURCH?

Because every wife, husband, and child in church today heard the "un-translated" version, without the benefit of your modern take.

Christianity has a lot of good points, and believes in a lot of good things. But it is so polluted by bad things. Why is it this way? I once heard someone argue that this is true of all religions, and that is bullshit. It is not true of Buddhism, or Jainism, to name a couple. If a religion is attempting to create a moral standard, it should be perfect. Humans cannot be perfect, but religions can, so by God let's make our religions perfect.

Ugh. Go back and reread today's reading. And people wonder why our society is still sexist. I know I attack Christianity a lot, but that doesn't make me wrong.

Once I get Photoshop back, I'll go back to comic posts.

3 More Days

Wish me luck

Meditating

So, lately I've been doing a lot of something like meditating. I've been separating myself from my viewpoint, and watching the world as it is. Here are my thoughts.

The "real world" as it were is hard to describe to someone who hasn't seen it. I'll do my best. Nobody is ever really there. For example, you are at your computer, perhaps in your house. Yet, you don't feel like you're in your house, and whether or not you're by your computer means little to you. You've probably got all kinds of crazy shit going on in your life. But really, what is it?

Assuming you're a student, you've got exams to study for and papers to write. What are those? The exams haven't even been printed yet, so what are they? Your papers are concepts in one human's (your) head. Or, if you're ahead of the game (I just lost the game, and so did you), it is taking up a few kilobytes on a hard disk inside your computer.

What does the paper have to do with anything? Imagine you have nothing to do with any of this now. You're a rock, on one of the moons off of Mars. Now what do these exams and papers mean to you? What about the life you're trying to build? Yeah, I guess the point is that it seems insignificant, like people say.

But I don't like that word. Insignificant implies that it is small compared to the universe. When I do this, it seems completely fake. There is no meaning behind the paper or the exam. How I do in college has no effect. If I succeed in uniting the planet, and saving the human race, it wouldn't carry any meaning.

With Physics, we still don't completely understand the way objects move. There are a few known forces of attraction (magnetism, gravity, etc), and the one we understand the least is gravity. But that applies mainly to rocks. Sometimes these rocks get very very hot, and they sometimes explode with such extremity that very heavy elements like gold are created, but they are only rocks.

Now, us, we are humans, and that makes us more important (namely because we are us, and we are not rocks). How do we move? Rocks move very predictably, following laws of physics. We move of our own accord, given stored-up energy that we collect and save. What is this energy? Why does it let us move, but not rocks? How come we can store it, but rocks can't? What does it mean to be conscious?

We are made up of the same neutrons, protons, and electrons as any rock in the universe, as any star out there. Yet we are conscious. How does that make us different? How is a dead body different from a living one?

When a teacher walks into a classroom, and informs the class that they are to walk into the hall, and they do, what just happened? A group of rocks were all sitting still in a room, and suddenly at the same time, they all stopped sitting and neatly filed out of the room, after some sound-waves hit them.

The answer isn't the professor, or the students. It isn't the sound-waves, or the sounds they made. It is the meaning behind the sounds the professor made. But what is that meaning? Where is it? The professor is there. The students are there. The sound is there. All that is real. The meaning is not. Yet, this nonexistent meaning was enough to drive every single person out of that room.

What. The. Fuck. Is. Going. On.

I feel like I've stumbled on something important, but look at me. I'm hitting a bunch of buttons on a laptop, and staring at the screen in front of me. You're staring at a different screen, yet going through the same thought process as I am.

I am not naïve enough to ask what it all means. None of you can answer that question, no one has ever answered that question (save the many cop-outs). Here is how I feel:

I want to know what it feels like to be a violin. Violins are pieces of wood, with a perpendicular piece of unattached wood, held in place by several strings of metal. They are pulled so tight that there are actually thousands of pounds of pressure on the smaller piece of wood (the bridge). A violin never gets a break. People don't take all the strings off for a while to let the violin rest. That is actually a bad idea, because the sound-post could fall out.

So imagine being a violin. How about one of those really old beautiful violins. I doubt they have ever been given a break. They have gone centuries under almost constant pressure from their strings. How does that feel? It doesn't, of course. Violins aren't alive. But what does that mean? When wood bends and snaps under pressure, is it not in agony?

I don't get it. I guess it doesn't matter. I guess nothing matters, and that's the point. But we all know that isn't true. I have feelings. I have feelings enough to have written this long damn post. I want to know what it's all about. "Nothing" isn't enough. I always feel like I am so close to getting it, but I'm never there. It is like when someone asks you the name of an actor, and their name is forever on the tip of your tongue.

I hate that feeling. Everyone hates that feeling. Right now, let me step forward and talk about me. I don't like my life right now. I am not doing well, I am not going to be doing well, my life feels unfulfilling, and I am very unhappy. I am stressed to the point of agony, and thus feel a lot of sympathy for my violin. I feel like we have something in common.

I hate my life right now. That sounds depressing, but I'm not depressed. I very rationally hate what my has become, and what it will be, at least for the next few years. I hate knowing the sacrifices people have made for me to become this way, so I can't stop, I have to keep going, because they matter more than I do.

So, for any (the two) of you who have been loyally checking up on this blog, wondering if I'll post again, that is how I feel. I feel dead. I feel old. I feel tired. I feel bored. I am done playing this game, but the game isn't over. I want to leave this party, but I promised I'd stay for several more hours. I'm ready to go, but I've nowhere to go but where I am, and I don't like where I am. Either I stay where I am, or I leave, alone and without a destination.

The choice is obvious. (this is long, if you get to this point, let me know and I'll give you candy for actually reading this far) I'll stay put, and do what I have to. My pain doesn't matter. It isn't real. My body isn't in pain (although it is hungry). Why does it matter? School isn't real. None of this is real. It is all this elaborate fantasy that has been developed over aeons. It is all a game, and like I said, I'm bored and I'm done playing. I know how the movie will end, and that spoils the movie. I want to go home, only there's no such thing.

What should I do? I know what I will do: I'll keep playing. I'll keep playing until I die. I'll finish school, maybe even do well. I'll unite the world in peace, or, failing that, become a successful businessman. Or maybe a failure of a businessman? Who knows, it is so exciting. Mystery. Drama. Suspense. Will I succeed. Yeah this movie sucks.

Anyway, I'll have kids, eventually have enough money to comfortably retire, and I'll be too old to really enjoy myself, and I'll have doomed my children to the same life.

That is what I will do. Is it what I should do?

Love,
Matt

Follow up on AllofMP3

So Allofmp3 is gone. Sad? WRONG!

Yeah so apparently when they got sued they put up a new site that is COMPLETELY DIFFERENT from Allofmp3 (for example, it has a different colour scheme and a different company name). THE ONLY THING that is similar is that you can log in with your Allofmp3 account and use your Allofmp3 account balance.

:D

All of mp3!!

Back in July, allofmp3.com was finally sued by the music industry, and went offline, but apparently they won the court case and will go back online any time now, I am so happy!

For more info, here is an article from the Independent.

Curious.

I have not updated this for months. Does anybody click the link to this blog just in case anymore? Or is my blog dead? I guess I am asking for a "sound off" to see if anybody is still here. Anybody?

Anyway, I will probably start updating here more come 2008, and not until then.

Love,
Matt

Dangit Apple, dangit

Apple is releasing the next version of its OS X, and it isn't very good. I just went through the new features and gave them prices according to what I would pay for shareware that would accomplish the same thing:

$0 — The new desktop is prettier. I would download a free thing that did this, but I would not pay for it.
$0 — The new finder looks like all the new features I didn't like about iTunes.
$15 — Quick Look looks like a really cool idea. I would not pay $20 for it.
$10 — Time Machine also looks neat, but I doubt I'd use it much, and it isn't worth more than $10 to me.
$0 — Spaces is already a free program that I could (and purposely don't) have.
$10 — The new Apple Mail has the notes and to do lists, and the improved address book. Total, that is $10 to me.
$0 — I do not use iChat because I do not talk to people online, plus I do not have a webcam.
$0 — iCal would be cool, but I use Google Calendar, making it useless to me.
$0 — The "new" dashboard is not really improved.
$0 — I don't care about Safari (plus I can get it free whether or not I get Leopard).
$0 — I don't have a Mactel, so Boot Camp means nothing to me.
$0 — Parental Controls, Photo Booth, Front Row, DVD Player, handicapped stuff and Automator still mean nothing to me, and I do not want to pay for anything that they do.
$5 — To be fair, I will assume there are $5 worth of something cool that is not advertised.


The price to upgrade is $130. This is $90 more than I am willing to pay. If you pay me $10, I will not take $100 out of my bank and then burn it. The problem is that as time goes on, more and more stuff will not be available on OS 10.4, and I am going to be forced to get 10.5 for that reason.

The question is, is that inconvenience worth $90 to me? The answer is no, it is not worth it. I am just annoyed that the inconvenience will be there at all. I would be happy to pay $40 for 10.5. Hell, I would even pay $50. But I would not pay $60, let alone $130. Fuck you, Apple.

so excited

I am so excited

Grrr

Man I hate it when my mom is in a bad mood because it spreads through the house and they both take it out on either me or my brother. And right now my brother isn't home. Man I don't want to be in my house right now, but all my friends are with their families so I've nowhere to go. Blegh.

Oh man!

So here I was, all about to type a normal dang old blog entry, when I remembered my promise from long ago.


The past few days have been pretty uneventful, actually.


But I have been doing Bagua and a little bit of psychology reading.


My last psych experiment is tomorrow, and then I never have to do another psych experiment ever again, which is pretty great.


Otherwise, I've mainly been hanging out with friends and going to Washtenaw Dairy. I mainly hang out with Jesse, but also did hang out with Kevin Buchman and Jake L-P. Tomorrow I might hang out with an elementary school friend of mine named Joshua Shelvin.


I really really really miss my girlfriend right now, and have been missing her basically since she got on the bus to NYC. It is occurring to me more and more that I would completely suck at long-distance relationships. Nora, I miss you!


She gets back on Friday, so woohoo for Friday.


Anyway, I am done with this blogging, so see you later everybody!

The joys of being too skinny

I just spent the last 5-10 minutes lifting up my shoulders and putting my hands underneath my collarbone, and now my back hurts a little.

: (

ANGST

Well, not really angst at all. I'm not depressed, just scared. Okay, let's see:

I am currently taking Psychology as a summer class. I hope to get an A, because that will help get me into the Organizational Studies programme here at UM. I want to be in that program so that I can learn to run an organization, and than create an organization that will take over the world and unite it in peace, under a really cool government that I would love to talk about some other time.

Meanwhile, did you guys know that in the next 20-30 years, a lot of the human race is going to die out because most of the world will be flooded? (The heat of global warming causes water to expand, etc etc.) After that, we will be covered in a variety of crazy weird weather that we have never had to face before, which will kill off even more of us. Also, on top of that, very very soon there is going to be a huge outbreak of the flu that will kill off a lot of us right away.

Now, we still can do something about this as it is not too late yet. And it is fortunately becomming more mainstream to care about global warming. But if we do escape global warming, in the next 15 years, thousand-dollar computers will be smarter than humans in every way (yes, every way—we actually have creative computers already). Will there be any point in me even being here?

The computer thing doesn't worry me so much because it is too hard to imagine what will happen, but the global warming thing? Scary.

Not because of all the death. No, if it were immanent, I would just be doing all I could to enjoy my last years alive. I mean, death is immanent in general, so what? But I am scared because I have no idea what will happen. Will we fix it just in time? I don't know. I can't even guess. I don't mind not knowing, but I hate not being able to guess.

Ten years ago, I wanted to be a math teacher. I didn't think I'd have to deal with any of this. I didn't even know it was a problem.

Eight years ago, it was 1999 and someone said, "Hey, waitaminute, what about all the computers set with two-digit years?" One year ahead of time. Sure, it ended up not being a problem, but it could have been, and frankly, I find it terrifying that it can take intelligent humans to notice something so potentially dangerous.

I'm not depressed. I'm not angry. I maybe feel a little gypped. But I definitely am scared. Not terrified, just scared. I don't like not knowing. Well, I'm okay with not knowing, but I hate being completely clueless.

And what am I supposed to do? Go to protests? Vote? Switch my major to Environmental Studies? Cover my eyes and continue to rape the planet like there's no tomorrow? Open my eyes and try to enjoy myself as best I can, knowing there's nothing I can do? Is there something I can do?

I'm scared. I know I should try to enjoy myself, because I really don't want to die regretting not enjoying myself, however I die. I'm not afraid of dying, but I'm afraid of not knowing whether or not I will have children, and if I do, whether they will live to be older than 10.

That's scary. I'm scared. I have good reason to be scared. I feel like a rat that has been released into the centre of a room with no walls or cover in sight. I feel like I need to do something, but nothing I do will change the situation I am in.

I'm not at a loss for what to do, I'm just scared. Very, very, very scared.

And it's fucking scary.

TRAIN OF THOUGHT

For a couple seconds I started thinking that I probably annoy my readers by rarely posting, but then I remembered that I only have two (2) readers, and they don't care.

Anyway, here is all the smut I can write while I wait for Nora to call me:

"I'm home," called Dodger, real name Dan Dunker, nickname Dodger. He got that nickname while he was fighting in the great war, and he has never been the same since then.

Heather was wearing the clothes that Dodger liked it when she wore them. She was wearing the special-shirt, and a skirt. Dodger knew that they would be making a miracle very soon.

"I am glad that you are home, Dodger," said Heather to Dodger. "I hope you did not have a hard day, but if you did, I am here to make it become easy."

Dodger knew what that meant.

***TIME LAPSE TO THE SEX***

Dodger held Heather's buttocks like a Greek God would hold two rocks. At this point, there were no problems in the world.* Heather moaned with sexual delight as Dodger did that thing he does with his tongue. The only thing he could think right now was how happy he was (he was very happy because he was having sex).

After ten, maybe eleven minutes of making out, it was time for the miracle. Dodger pulled out his penis. His penis was very big because of the war, and that was how Heather liked it (big). She unbuttoned his shirt (the only piece of clothing left except for Heather's necklace, which belonged to her grandmother long ago), looking at his broad muscular chest, with a big scar from the war (barbed wire).

OKAY I'M DONE GOODBYE
________
*There were problems, actually, but they could not think of any. It would have been better for me to say "At this point, there were problems in the world"

Where am I according to Dante?

I personally think I would likelier be in a flaming tomb with the heretics in the sixth circle in the city of Dis, but I guess I am mainly virtuous enough that this quiz deemed me a virtuous pagan instead. If all this is true and this is a good quiz, I hope it is right because living in Elysium for eternity would be fucking sweet.

The Dante's Inferno Test has sent me to the First Level of Hell - Limbo!
Here is how I matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very High
Level 2 (Lustful)	Low
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Very Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Very Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very High
Level 7 (Violent)	Moderate
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Divine Comedy Inferno Test

64 People

I need to come up with 64 civilizations each with a strength and a fatal weakness. So I need to come up with 64 strengths/weaknesses. Hm. I guess I could come up with 8 things for a civilization to be weak or strong in, and I could mix and match, making 64. That would make 8 hypocritical societies, among other things, which would be pretty cool. And it would be pretty easy to do this with the 8 trigrams, and figure out hexagrams that way.

And so my book begins.

My new mission

For the rest of my life, I will do my best to return all the pennies on the ground to their rightful places in the take-a-penny-leave-a-penny jars of small stores.

Smut

This is the best I can do.

Autumn!

I'll be living in 337 Anderson, and will have this schedule. I have two exams tomorrow, so that's all for now, friends!

One thing that really does piss me off

"I didn't want to go to the party, so I didn't go."

"You didn't want to? That is so laaaaaame."

Fucker, I didn't want to go to the party. You were drunk. You did not notice that I was not there.

!

I made a really good decision tonight.

FYI

I am going to interrupt the silence of my blog by letting you all know that City of God is a really fucking awesome movie. Everybody should see it. If you have seen it, cool, you agree with me. If you haven't, it is time you did your duty. Good night.

Update

I really love my girlfriend, and my friends are pretty great.

I have a lot of schoolwork, I got promoted at work, and I manage to have some fun too.

The Libertines are still really good. All in all, I am having a pretty great life.

Looking forward to Friday.

That's pretty much it.

Matt

New music find

The Libertines. It's the first time in a while that I have listened to music, wanted to listen to something else, but not changed because I was really enjoying what I was hearing. Not bad, not bad at all.

A demain

Je ne sais pas pourquoi, mais maintenant il faut que j'écrive en français. Actualement, je n'ai pas beaucoup à écrire. Je suis vraiment fatigué, et je dois écrire mes disertations pour le fac des affaires, et j'ai besoin d'écrire une lettre à ma correspondante française. Bon nuit tout le monde!

Heh

Man I have this awesome idea about how I could turn this into such a cool blog, and it involves pictures among other things. But since I don't even have time to update the words in this blog regularly, pictures would be going too far. Maybe in May.

Cool concept of the day

Traveling like a king who gave up his kingdom.

Converted to FireFox

Why? Because it's faster? Because all the Google stuff works? Because all the internet works? No, no, no.

I converted because of an Achewood comic.

Also just now I finished a French oral exam. Earlier, I had a listening comprehension exam, and a test on vocab. Hat trick!

Oh, and to explain the FireFox thing, my Google home page now has that logo on it. This is the kind of thing FireFox can do. Oh hellz FireFox.

Also happy Saint Valentine's Day tomorrow? In French today, we went over like the 20-some ways to say "I love you" in French. One of them literally translates to "I will give you the moon." Anyway I have an Econ exam tomorrow and also math homework due, and on Thursday I have to write a French compo and translate an article. I will do these things now. Ready, steady, go!

Title of my newest spam message:

It is the sodium part of salt that is important.

You know?

I think I've been using my blog as a kind of friend-substitute until now. The entry a couple entries ago is what clued me into that. Anyway I am making friends now. I don't really feel the need to post here anymore. Maybe this will change, we'll see. But I mean, the only reason to post here is if I have no one to talk to, and now I have people to talk to. Pretty much all the time. And a girlfriend who lives in the same building who I can say anything to. And there's no crazy shit going on in our relationship so I don't need another friend to talk about that with.

Anyway, classes are super, etc etc, bye. (I actually just got really bored in the middle of that sentence, and I am going to get set for class instead of finishing it.)

Too busy to update

Not really, but there is generally something else I'd rather do. Either I am going on a blog lapse, or this is the end of my blog. Or I will change my mind tomorrow and start updating more-than-daily again. We'll see. In any case, I'm having a good, fun, and hella busy time. Matt OUT

Man

Why the hell am I so unstable lately. I really don't like that. You know, maybe I should meditate. I bet that would be really good for me. I haven't meditated on my own for a long time. Yeah, I'll do that right now.

Woooooo

I am really enjoying today so far. Is so busy.

Oh and for some conclusion to the previous post I walked to the VA Hospital and back and then talked to Nora for a long time. Nora is better than you, blog. BETTER. Don't worry I still love you though. But not nearly as much as Nora. Anyway I have another class. Man I am DIGGING being this busy. Awesome!

Just kind of getting worse

Man you know my whole thing where I am feeling all kinds of stressed out for no apparent reason? It seemed to be getting better over the past few days, but now it's back worse than ever before. I feel really horrible right now.

You know, it's real nice to have a blog. Before now, I would basically have to deal with my problems on my own without anywhere to vent them. I mean, I have plenty of friends who will listen, but I don't want to be around a bunch of friends when I'm upset. But I can always just write in my blog. Maybe people will read the post, maybe not. No worries either way. It's really cool. But yeah, about 20 minutes ago I got hit with the sudden depression thing, and I really need to do something about that.

Anyway, I think I'm going to see how far I can walk. Bye.

First Day Back

It is mainly awesome because I am listening to CURANDERO right now.

Darkroom

I won, goodnight

Only 20 minutes left!

Time flies when you're mplgghgphlbhg

I guess I want to go to sleep but I can't?

I am tired but I have to stay up for another hour because of ebay. Nora gets home in 24 hours or so, which will be great.

Right now I feel really drained. Tired, even. Yeah, I just am tired. Those of you who have seen me when I am tired know that when I am tired I am very melancholy and pensive and sad. Those of you who know me know that I am actually none of these things, I just want to be in bed and asleep instead of awake and on the internet. I don't think there is anything interesting left on the internet.

I don't really want to be on the internet, I don't want to read a book, I don't want to play a game, I don't want to hang out with a friend (except maybe Simon or Nora or Gynelle), I don't want to be writing here, I want to close my eyes and keep them that way. I hate it when basically the only thing I can do is waste time. I mean, I waste time like anybody else, I am always getting my time waste on, but right now I am tired. Here is a poem about how I want to go to sleep. Perhaps writing this poem will keep me entertained:

I lay in bed, the sky is dark,
The movie's over, and my eyes
Are closing as my brain embarks
On dreams but no! to its surprise

I force them open, make them focus
On the bright computer screen
With ebay open all aglow
And I the slave of this machine

Okay I'm getting bored writing this. Maybe some other time. I'm too tired for poetry. Agrlauhrbgbhrulauhrb

46 minutes 52 seconds.

Incidentally, 1 day, 18 minutes, and 12 seconds until Nora gets back.

AGH LET ME SLEEP

FIRST POST THIS YEAR

Simon is so hella cool. I cannot exaggerate how hella cool Simon is. It is not possible. He is fucking awesome. (We basically hung out and talked for an hour and a half.)

LAST POST THIS YEAR

Can you believe it. A whole year. One year. Can you believe it.

Math

Math basically manages to make me feel at peace with everything all the time. I was feeling all sorts of strongly about religion, and now, well, I still feel exactly the same, but I'm not angry about it. Yeah, that's it. Math doesn't make me withdrawn, just emotionally unattached.

Yes, emotionally unattached exactly. Also, writing about it helped a lot. I guess that's why I have a blog. To be a friend that can listen to me even when all my other friends are elsewhere. Nice.

In an hour and a half or so, I'll be going to a party. Cool.

Also Nora is on a plane right now that is taking her back into the States. Cool.

And she gets back on Wednesday. Woo!

And I'll maybe hang out with Simon tonight. Emosewa.

Warning, a lot of hate in this post

Over the past week I have been hating the hell out of religion in general. It mainly started when I read that Sam Harris book. At first I actually disagreed with him a lot, but I've been thinking about it a hella lot and I really do hate religions. I feel like they only cause harm.

A religion is just one more form of separation from other people. A way of feeling superior to the people who aren't in your club. We already have race, sexuality, age, gender, and language; we don't need yet another way of shouting at your neighbour, "I AM DIFFERENT FROM YOU." Not different, better.

Now, many people get a lot out of going to services for their religion or whatever. Hell, I went to Catholic mass yesterday and got a lot out of it. But now that I'm not brainwashed by the church I can see the difference between getting a lot out of the religion, and getting a lot of comfort from familiarity. Of course I got a lot out of it. I grew up with Christianity. It's nostalgic.

Even in Buddhism, there are different sects. Now, they all pride themselves in not judging, but judgement is a natural human reaction to anything. This is basic survival. So when a Japanese monk comes to a Korean temple, all the things he notices are the ways they do things differently. Grey robes instead of black. Only one hwadu instead of all the koans. Et cetera. I recall a Japanese monk saying exactly this. He went on to talk about how he realised he was focusing on all the wrong things, and that really we had way more in common than different. That is wisdom.

Religions encourage people to judge people of other religions. That is my first problem with religions. My second problem is that they encourage people to think that wonderful happenings must have been caused by a god or higher being.

When it rains for two months, it is because of the way the atmosphere is. When a poor man gets a job, climbs the ladder, and becomes rich, it is because he willed it to be so. Why can't we accept that humans are very wonderful on their own? Why should either event be caused by a god? Both are very possible, however unlikely. When a tsunami kills thousands of people on Christmas Eve, what makes that have anything to do with god? It doesn't. Yet many people felt righteous enough to say it was God punishing the non-believers. I have nothing but hatred for righteous people of any kind. Fuck them.

Religions do not make people better. I have no religion, and I am (stepping away from modesty for a moment) a hella good person. By the way, for those of you who are saying "I thought you were Buddhist," I stopped being Buddhist months ago. I go to the temple because I think meditation is wonderful, as are all the things we do at the temple. I think the teachings of Buddhism are right on. But that doesn't make me a Buddhist. It doesn't because I doubt the teachings and judge them. I decide whether or not I like a teaching. That is using my own moral compass, and not that of a religion. I affiliate myself most with Buddhism because I rarely (not never, though) find a teaching that I find unbeneficial. Therefore, I am not completely accepting the teachings of Buddhism, and am putting myself outside of the religion to judge it.

I believe the same to be true of anyone who does not follow their entire religion. If you are one of those people, please think about it. Are you actually getting positive things out of your faith, or are you actually just using your own considerable knowledge and wisdom to pick and choose? Are you getting anything positive out of services, or are they just comforting because they are familiar? Please give it some honest, open-minded thought. If I'm wrong, tell me. But be prepared for an argument, and be prepared to tell me exactly what you do get out of it.

Religions only cause harm. The good parts of religion are (depending on the religion) the teachings and practises. But stay away from beliefs, because that leads to righteousness. How else can you be when you have absolutely no evidence to support your claim of there being a god. Yes, I can't prove that there is no god, but I don't have the burden of proof here. I don't believe in anything that hasn't been already proven. Not out of ease, but out of common sense. Think about it. Why should there be a god? Because you like the idea of some all-powerful being controlling everything? That idea makes you more comfortable with the world? Okay, then whatever. At least recognise that there is not a shred of evidence to support your claim, and kindly keep your mouth shut about it. Just because you feel more at ease thinking that we are not capable of greatness on our own does not mean that other people do or even should agree.

I hate religion.

By the way, Nora, if you happen to read this, your note did not cause this. I was planning on making this post before I got it. It did make me feel a little more strongly about it, but I've been feeling like this a while.

Anyway, back to addressing all the readers, you can comment on this if you want, but I'd rather have a real conversation about it. Please do convince me I'm wrong. I don't like hating things.

4th (fourth) post today

I learned to use an abacus! I am so hella slow, and I need to memorise my multiplication table up to 9x9=81. I mean I mostly have it memorised already, but I need to actually do it, and then I can multiply and divide on an abacus. There is nothing, nothing more hardcore than doing division on an abacus.

One day, I will find a tiny abacus that is really nice. It will be the good kind that has 4 in the ones and 1 in the fives (most have 5 in the ones and 2 in the fives, which is inefficient and retarded, I think the kind I want is called a soroban?), and it will fit in my pocket. I will break it out and do maximum mathematics on it, and people will faint. Awesome.

Wow.

My grandma just gave me my grandfather's old jewellery (cufflinks, pins, tie bars, etc). All in this old box with the Optimist's Creed on it. Holy shit this is the best present ever. I am going to be using this stuff for the rest of my life.

Awesometastic

I am going to hang out with Kaitlin, which is pretty great. I mean, this is more than a week from now, but it is happening, so that's good. I'll maybe hang out with James too. Maybe Liz too? I should definitely hang out with Gynelle, even though we both live in Ann Arbor. I should also figure out a way to "chill" with "Anneka." And Asya. Also I should definitely hang out with Ted and Erica maybe. SO MANY FRIENDS

Ted is a guy that I wish I was better friends with. He seems like a hell of great guy, but I feel like I don't really know him well enough to just hang out with him. Oh well. Can't be friends with everybody, I guess.

Simon

Man, you know why I like Simon? He is a man who thinks. It is rare to find a person who thinks. There are a lot of people who think they think, but very few who actually think. If you don't actually think, try it. It's not hard. Just rare.

I love talking to people who think, because when they talk, you can tell they've thought about it. If Simon isn't pretty sure of something, he doesn't say it. If he's sure of something, he says it. If everybody was like that, the world would be completely perfect.

Anyway I just hung out with Simon.

Woooooo

Well I talked to Nora on the phone which was pretty great. It is amazing to me how breaks are more stressful than school. It is like, there are so many family friend parties between Christmas and New Years that I don't want to go to, but not going would be rude, so I go, and I stand around and maybe talk to someone I haven't talked to for a couple years and won't talk to for a couple years and ugh imagine I could be just sitting down silently or even having fun.

Whatever.

Anyway, I am going to try to hang out with some friends maybe. We'll see what happens with that.

Stuff that I got for Christmas

I got:

• an awesome popcorn popper
• some great books
• clothes, candy, and cleaning stuff
• and a darkroom that my parents are going to pay for

The idea behind the darkroom is that I will put together a darkroom and my parents will buy it. This is basically just completely awesome. I will be doing photography again. Hardcore.

Also I still miss my girlfriend, and kind of feel bad about this. Because I don't really ever miss people. I have my moments, where I get my sad on and miss some friends or family, but they never last long, and they rarely happen. Yet I really miss Nora. It is like, on one hand this is a basic thing, but on the other, I feel like there are so many people I should also be missing that I'm not, and plus I should be putting more effort into hanging out with my high school friends who are back in town (so far I have only hung out briefly with Ted and Erica, and they are the ones that visited me).

Then it bothers me that I even feel bad about this. I should miss my girlfriend a whole bunch, because I love her and I want to always be with her. Right now, what with her being in Israel, I can't even call her, let alone see her. But it has been what, not even a week? Kind of pathetic. It's like, I always scoff a little when I see couples get all bent out of shape over little things like this, but here I am being Matt the Hypocrite once again and doing exactly that. And I kind of hate that.

Actually you know what? Better idea: I miss Nora a hella lot, and I should. What I can take from this is that I have no business judging people for this kind of thing. Now that I am on this end, I can sympathise, and it is not something to roll my eyes about. I apologise to all those of you who I have inwardly rolled my eyes at. I don't really remember specifically who you are, and I doubt you read my blog, but sorry about that.

Anyway, yeah, I miss Nora a fucking lot, and I should probably hang out with friends. I'll get on that.

I just finished reading one of my books, called Letter to a Christian Nation by Sam Harris. I recommend this, and will lend it out to anyone who wants to read it; it's a quick read. I am not sure I agree with a lot of what he says, but he does say something that you don't hear a lot of people saying: Religion is evil, and unsafe. He makes a lot of very convincing points, and backs himself up very well.

Aussi, j'ai un livre qui s'appelle Le Petit Prince. C'est un livre pour les enfants, mais c'est très difficile lire pour moi. Je ne lis pas bien en français encore, mais j'aime tenter.

EDIT: Haha I forgot to press the send button last night. Oops.

ADD?

I might have ADD. More on this later. But damn, it would explain a hella lot if I have ADD. I am not going to take any medication, but if I do have ADD, I can second-guess myself and help myself out of it. On second thought, it doesn't really matter if I have ADD or not. Even if I don't, I can just act like I do, and become way better at everything.

Yeah, this supports my opinion that all these psychological diseases are fake ideas. I'll let you know how this goes.

How I feel right now

Right now I feel like my eyes are being perpetually clawed out. Internally. Or like someone is stopping my breathing. I need to figure out why I feel this way and maybe fix it. This is not how I want to be feeling.

Also, for those of you who know I haven't slept well for several weeks, I am still not sleeping well. I feel so drifty, like I'm not a part of anything. I really want a full nights sleep, and I am going to try for one right now, but I doubt it will work. Wish me luck I guess.

Straight Razors

Okay, so I have decided that I am going to go into history with my shaving. Meaning I will be using a real straight razor with a stone and a strop. Up until now, I've been using one that has replaceable blades. On ebay I just found a set of 6 razors and a strop, which I think I will go for.

Also, I will be using a badger-hair brush and cup-soap for cream. No more of that aerosol bullshit. Seriously, that stuff runs out of pressure long before it runs out of cream, and the cans are just not good for the environment. Plus, I will be using a badger-hair brush and a cup, which is so classy.

Anyway, while looking up all this stuff, I found a comprehensive guide to shaving with a straight razor. I have been shaving with one for nearly a year now, but I thought I'd look anyway. I used its instructions and stuff and yesterday I gave myself the cleanest shave I have ever had, ever.

My point is, I will possibly have 6 straight razors soon, and I only need one. If anyone wants to learn to shave with a straight razor, I would be happy to give you one. I forget if any guys read my blog or not. Wait, Josh does. Josh, if you want a straight razor, let me know. I guess girls can want a straight razor too. Let me know.

I miss my girlfriend

:(

Hands are bananas

Don't watch this movie.

Whew

I am so tired. Tomorrow, I will be in the dishpit with only Sean. Probably nobody will have moved out between now and then. Sean and I are going to die together, arm in arm, all with sad choir music in the background. There will be fog as my memories are played through rapidly, yet slowly. People wearing black are crying in a rainy graveyard. The people leave as the camera focuses on the single rose, lying alone on the stone bearing our names.

Also today is the two-month-iversary of Nora and me going out. So far, she still has yet to figure out that I am only using her for sex.

Proud of myself?

I always feel true to myself when I get myself out of a depression. Whenever I'm depressed, I always want to make people feel bad, and I can get really mean to people. I mean, in subtle ways, but that just makes it a lot worse. Anyway, I managed to overcome that and help myself. At this point, I don't feel depressed anymore. Now I'm just sad for a reason.

Which is better and worse I guess. It's like, on one hand, I know why I'm sad, so I'm not depressed and I don't feel the need to hurt anybody, and this is all very good. But it is also kind of out of the frying pan and into the fire because I know exactly why I am sad and I know that there is not really anything I can do about it.

I am lonely. That is really it. Just lonely. I feel like there isn't really anyone right now that I can consider a friend, and that makes me feel lonely.

I'm feeling

kind of empty right now. I guess I'm more tired than anything else. Also Ted and Erica visited earlier, and completely made my day.

I really want to hang out with a friend right now, but I kind of feel like I don't have any friends. I mean, I don't really know anyone here, and my high school friends that I know I haven't seen in a long time. I kind of hate my social life here at UM, just to set the record on that. It's not that it's bad or anything. I just feel like I've inserted myself into a group of friends, but I'm like the one jigsaw piece that doesn't fit so I used glue. That is how I feel.

It is kind of a claustrophobic sort of thing. Or maybe an agoraphobic thing. Yeah, agoraphobic. I have many places to run, but none of them are any different from where I am. Maybe I need a change of scene. Yeah, probably. Okay I'm going to go to the arb. I'll be back when I get too cold. See you then.

Spamalot

I just watched Spamalot. I feel like I should have enjoyed it a lot, but it really didn't do much for me. It lacked oomph. That said, the Lady of the Lake was fucking sweet.

I was going to end my entry there, but I am actually going to rant a little. About how I feel like I should have enjoyed it. I don't know why I feel like this, but I feel like people will think less of me that I did not find the play to be very funny at all. Especially such as my family (I told them I liked it a lot). It's like, a part of me is very tired of seeing Monty Python's Holy Grail, and another part of me found the play quite flat on its own. The combination of the two didn't work very well for me.

Also I don't really like Monty Python that much. There, I said it. I find them humourless, and somewhat irritating (albeit with many exceptions). But most of my love for Monty Python is created from pressure from everyone around me. Everyone I respect just completely loves Monty Python and finds every one of their jokes outrageously hilarious, and if I said I didn't like Monty Python, they would undoubtedly rip me apart. On one hand, that probably isn't true, but on the other hand, dear reader, I bet your Respect-O-Metre™ is going down for me right now.

Admit it. It is. But you know what, I am not going to pretend to like them anymore. I am done with that. I have felt pressured because of my Britishness, and because of all my friends/family, but liking Monty Python is just not me.

That said, please don't get me wrong. I love some of the stuff Monty Python does. Like the Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life song, or the Galaxy song, or a number of great moments they had. But as a whole, I really don't like their style. It seems dull, forced, and overall trying too hard. I hope I haven't offended anyone.

About me

I am incapable of waking up after 8:00 am. Did you know that.

Think about this.

Following up from yesterday, please think about this. Is there a way to change money such that its power will be removed or diminished? Maybe start thinking with a word like credits, and see where it goes. Please give me your insights. Thank you.

Also here is my schedule for Winter 2007. The Monday dishroom shift was taken right in front of my eyes and I want to cry, but if nothing else I will be serving food on that day. I hope Balin gives me the shift.

I can't wait to take macroeconomics

Okay so here is my problem. One of the main problems with the economic world right now and with Capitalism is that the wealthy control everything, and can do so to their own advantage. The problem with Communism is that it banks too much on people being good. It is my firm belief that whatever system in control needs to assume that everybody is a crook, but also that the system in control should represent all people, and not just the wealthy.

It is clear that Capitalism (or neo-libralism) and Communism both fail, and also so does Anarchy. Fascism would do it, except that it depends on a great person always being in charge, which is as silly as Communism or Anarchy. This illustrates the obvious point that extremes won't work. But that doesn't really help me find a solution.

It seems to me that the optimal thing would be to figure out a way for money to only buy things, but not power. This way, everyone has an equal amount of power (Communism), but an unequal amount of money (neo-libralism). It seems like a great idea and it solves all the problems, but how the hell do I go about separating money from power? Is that even possible?

It kind of hurts my brain to think about it, to be honest. But seriously, if I could do that, it would be a huge step for civilisation as a whole. I need to bounce these ideas off of someone. Maybe Nora or Jesse or Patrick or someone. I really want to talk to Nick Davenport about this too. By the way, this is spurred from a letter I just received from Nick, who says he'll be in town really soon. Hang on I am going to call his house.

His mom says he is back late this Saturday. Excellent. I will definitely talk government with him.

Back on topic, I feel like money is irritating. Without money, 4 apples buy 3 oranges, and if you don't have something someone wants, you can't trade for something you want. This sucks because it makes transactions hella slow, and useless if they are in an area where there is a lot of one thing and little of another. Therefore money is necessary as something to tie everything together.

But now 4 dollars buy 4 apples or 3 oranges or 2 milkshakes or 1 burrito etc. and everybody wants at least something that 4 dollars can buy, so people will trade you anything for money. And so if you offer people money, you have power no matter what. Therefore, money inevitably leads to power. I can ridicule Bill Gates all I want, but if he offers me a bunch of money, I shut my mouth and become his humble servant, all without him needing to lift a finger. Wealthy people are the true royalty that move the government around like pawns. And that is pretty unstoppable.

So I can't change money. I wonder if there is a way to give everybody so much power that no amount of money will make a significant difference. Because if every person has a ridiculous amount of power, nobody has any power, and adding some amount of power that money will provide will maybe do very little.

The problem here is that I am dodging around the definition of "power." I honestly have no idea how to "give people power." It doesn't have its own currency. Although it could. Hm. Well shit. No, no, that is a dumb idea, because then you could sell say your voting power to someone for money, and bam the people with money have the most voting power.

Also I wonder if money to power is an addition problem or a multiplication problem. What I said earlier is banking on it being addition. Yet it seems more like money multiplies your power, rather than adding to it. Seriously, there must be a way to do this. God DAMN.

I am so hella frustrated right now, and my brain really hurts. I need a person. Also I need to take a few advanced courses in macroeconomics.

Classes

Well I just registered for classes. Basically I am thanking Lady Luck because things worked out at exactly the last minute. I will save the most stressful for last in my tale. Okay, first my math class. There is no stress in this story. It is a 300-level class that only math majors want to take and meets from 2-3 MWF. Moving on, my French class is a two-a-day class that meets from 10-11 M-Th, and I needed to have the discussion from 1-2. If you missed out, you can read about those particular adventures.

Finally, Econ 101. The only lecture I could fit of the four was 11:30-1 MW. There are two discussions I can take. One of them filled up immediately. Not the one I actually wanted, plus the one I wanted was 8:30-10 Tuesday, which I figured would not fill up very fast. WRONG. WRONG. I WAS WRONG. Actually that entire lecture filled up. I was basically going "shit shit shit" to myself just now, and then the original section which is 11:30-1 Tuesday opened up. I grabbed it. I will keep looking at the 8:30-10 with hopes that I will be able to jump, but otherwise I have a schedule and I will keep it.

I guess it is considered very fashionable to post my schedule on my blog. Here:

Monday-Tuesday-Wednesday: Do not bother me on these days I have all my classes on all of them (except one on Tuesday) and will have much stress about it. You don't care what my schedule is on these days because you do not want to see me on these days. This will begin Sunday night and end 3:00 Wednesday afternoon, when I will probably want to cold have a bunch of fun. Call me.

Thursday: French 10-11 and 1-2. Also 12-1 and 3:30-4:30 I will be speaking to people in French, and will be at work from 5-8-ish.

Friday: Math 2-3

As far as work schedule, that is yet to be seen. I hate text-based schedules as they are just completely indecipherable (for me), so I will make a pdf on Wednesday when I have a more finalised schedule for you to see.

Thank you for reading my blog today! If you comment on this post before the day ends, I will give you a cookie. No strings attached!

Nora is basically awesome

We had a bunch of emotional shit but we got over it mainly by being awesome. Otherwise, I hate my week that is going to happen. I have French Pseudo-Proficiency for the next few days, and a lot of writing (albeit in English) to do, and a lot of working in the cafeteria during times that I could be studying French or writing. All in all, I could use some luck and/or superpowers this week.

Gruglgghph

I was going to study and write a paper, but all my motivation suddenly disappeared and now I am going to go to bed. Good luck to me on French Proficiency Week. Good night to all. I hope you had good weekends